Botin

LOCATION: Calle Cuchilleros 17 Madrid, Spain (the big gun)
CUISINE: Spanish
REVIEW: The words, "tourist trap" can apply to many (and too many) things. Tourist traps apparently has come to mean many things (according to Wikipedia, the source of utter knowledge; if you can't find it, you shouldn't know it! But you might anyway... oh well), from flush toilets (watch as your defecation product disappears into old metal tubing built into your McMansion!) to a single tree (feel the fresh green pine needles rain down on your face!) to the city of Las Vegas (insert name/product related joke here!). But one name that was tossed in as a tourist trap was the oldest restaurant in the world: Botin. And while I was stomping around in Madrid, I decided to pop my head in for a bite to eat (it was really more of a meal, but I guess a meal is several bites one after the other).

For my meal choice, there was no dispute (or fight, or quarrel, or conflict, or battle, or argument, or... I don't think the dictionary has anymore synonyms): the world-famous (with the hyphen!) cochinillo asado, or also known as the roast suckling pig. As usual in restaurants, there were a number of close calls where I thought that my food had come (mostly involving a large group of Japanese tourists), until finally, the hot slab of pork, accompanied by some small, round boiled potatoes, reached the table and my spot in front of me (no rambling long table joke today.. or week... or post... or month... or...).

The potatoes were, for boiled potatoes, pretty good. But the main focus which stole the lighted circle on the big wooden platform was the pig. It was absolutely delicious. It was juicy, with perfectly cooked meat which would make even Ingrid Newkirk giggle like a schoolgirl. The skin on it was almost like a chip on top of the meat, and combined with the meat it was delicious. The dish was absolutely perfect in every way, with the perfect meat and the nice crunchy skin, and I eat every morsel of meat. By the end of the meal, there was literally no meat on the bones. It was absolutely perfect, and I went out of the restaurant unbelievably happy.

SERVICE: The service was very, very good. The service was experienced and was able to help people quickly (beat that, McDonald's!). While I didn't get the personal experience, I got a sense of the service from the way they served other people: the aforementioned large group of Japanese tourists. As any good group of tourists do, they ordered a whole lot of food (come on, admit it, you've done it too... my credit card has always regretted it). The service had to move around, going from seat to seat, moving quickly on their feet in order to deliver food and drinks. They were able to do it quickly and easily, and they seemed happy to do it. Seemed happy. Little did anyone know, but that night, they set their plans into motion to steal the recipe for suckling pig, and sneak underground in order to give it to Lord Voldemort. Or maybe they were just happy. I'll stick with that.

ATMOSPHERE: For a restaurant that's over two hundred seventy-five years old, they have a nice atmosphere. The place was clean and calm, with no loud voices or noises coming from the kitchen (if I only I knew where it was...) and other places. The real head turner was not the inside of the restaurant, but the outside. Outside was a couple of glass windows/cases which held many things, mostly signs. Mostly on the signs was promotional things, mentioning how Botin's the oldest restaurant in the world, Hemingway mentioned it in one of his books (The Sun Also Rises... yeah, that's right, even outside of the British Empire... wait, does that still exist?), yada yada yada. It's not a bad thing that they're doing that, it's a good thing. In Madrid though, there's no Times Square like place, so it was probably the closest you could find to a billboard around. Beats Armani anyday.

PRICE: A dinner for five costs about two hundred euros- forty euros per person (for people with a calculator out of reach... could have just used Google, but no!). That's pretty good for me, considering the extremely high quality of the meal I had just had. The forty euros that was paid was worth every cent, every juicy, yummy, delicious, warm and fresh cent. And no, I did not just heat up all my coins just so I could describe them here. And no, I am not broke because I just did that. That's the thing about denial, huh?

RATING: Botin has been considered as the ultimate tourist trap for any Madrid visitor. But my experience was the opposite of that. The food was unbelievably delicious, the service quick, the atmosphere great, and the price right. Unless Plan 9 To Outer Space has become the greatest movie of all time, Botin is not in one tiniest bit, a tourist trap. And no, I don't have a storage container with some tourists in it so I could have a literal "tourist trap". And no, I am not being investigated by the FBI, CIA, and local, state, and federal police combined. And no- you know, I'm speaking too much. Way. Too. Much. Botin gets a five out of five.