LOCATION: 864 Queen Street West Toronto, Canada
TYPE OF FOOD: Vegetarian (eat it, Corn Refiners Association... high-fructose corn syrup is good for you... it's as good for you as Lindsay Lohan is out of jail)
REVIEW: "Health food" places can be one of the most dangerous places for food. When performed correctly, the profits will be better than homemade pizza is average (there's no taste in any of it!). But should you fail... well, America never fails. We'll just put a big banner in front of the place saying, "Dishin' Accomplished". Then we'll put the owners on the streets. Only in America (Canada... oh yeah, that place with maple leaves and seals)!
Looking at the very healthy menu (healthy... only one bacon cheeseburger with buns buttered instead of two. I've lost 52 pounds!), I decided on ordering a juice (Tropicana, Florida's Best, and Odwalla. Carbs, sugars, and 30% real fruit!). Which one should I have, though? Should I get an "Avocado Smoothie" (avocado, spinach, banana, and coconut water... that's a fancy guacamole!)? The "Oompa Loompa" (I wonder if Deep Roy has ever been to this place...)? Or maybe even the "Singer's Saving Grace" (a meat dress!)? After some thinking, I decided to go for the simplest option (hacking into the system to find the Golden Ticket instead of spending five dollars on hydrogenated lecithin, calcium caseinate and wheat flour hydrolysate?): the "Breathless" smoothie: mango, banana, and strawberry (call me a wimp, call me a coward, just don't call me a Tea Partier.... I just want to eat crumpets and drink jasmine in peace!). After a couple of minutes, my drink came.
Oh. My. (insert religious deity). The smoothie was definitely, absolutely, delicious. It was more delicious than the Republican Party misunderestimated the Tea Party (from one kick in the balls to another kick in the balls. Except they're wearing cowboy boots.). It was so delicious, I stopped thinking about my entree. I did order my entree however, and chose the American option: the mushroom-onion burger. A little while after I ordered that, it came. There's no actual meat in it, but it was still muy, muy, muy, muy, muy, muy, muy, muy bueno. Y por lo tanto, levante, salieron a la puerta, camino por mas de una hora por la ciudad, consiguio en el coche y fue a mi hotel.
SERVICE: The service is, quite literally, some 22 to 30 year old people (finally, we can get a new Janis Joplin... I'm not taking Serena Gomez as an answer!). They were nice, seemed to know their stuff (I'll stick with 60's, 70's, 80's, and every now-and-then 90's), and were full of energy (why can't Deval Patrick be that? He gets elected, inauguration.... um... casinos... economy.. and... floods). When was the last time the Republican Party put up a candidate with all three of those babies? Oh right.. Theodore Roosevelt. I stand corrected.
ATMOSPHERE: Clean floors, low noise level, green bathrooms, Buddhist statues and good lighting... um... do I really need to say anything more? Hmm.... nah.
PRICE: Both parts of my meal was $15.50. So for one person, bring twenty. Let me explain this in laymans terms: one delicious and high quality smoothie/juice, and one amazing entree. Cha-ching.
EXAMEN: Fresh es un restaurante de deliciosos y de alta calidad que cada vegetariano debe visitar al menos una vez en su vida. Y si no lo hace, estará lo sentimos. Hola, he oído que Porter tiene tarifas bajas. Sbarro, líneas de seguridad supuestamente largo y aleatoria scupltures aquí llegamos. Fresh obtiene un cinco de cinco.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Perkins
LOCATION: Niagara Falls, Canada
TYPE OF FOOD: Canadian (what do they eat here?)
REVIEW: Being north of the border can be a great relief to some people (me). No Scott Brown. No Sarah Palin. PETA, well, that's one thing, but otherwise Canada is mighty fine (okay, never saying that again). But, you may ask, sitting in your apartment and/or office trying to make a spread sheet but Windows shut down suddenly because you "overloaded the server" for the eleventh time this week and you what to calm down by reading political ranting but you don't want to watch Glenn Beck so you go here (thanks!), "What is my view of Canada?" French getting thrown around. And maple leaves. Yep, I'm an American. And that was what I thought as went into Perkin's.
Well, Canada is not a far throw from Massachusetts. There was the usual "all-day breakfast" which loses it's quality and charm at 2 o' clock (who uses that expression any more? 1920's enthusiasts?). There's the apparently healthy "butter-steamed broccoli" (well, there's butter.... but it's broccoli! So it has to be healthy, right? RIGHT?). And then of course there's one of the least appetizing thing of all: the Kickin Chicken sandwich (breaded chicken breast, pepper Jack cheese, "Onion Tanglers", smoked bacon, spicy Chipotle Ranch dressing, lettuce and tomato.... if you didn't gag at the "Onion Tanglers", then I don't know what to tell you). So after some searching, I finally decided my answer: pork chops with sauteed spinach and a side salad. After ten to fifteen minutes, the salad was placed in front of the muscles in my head.
The salad had cheese and croutons on top. Look, I love a good Greek salad, but American cheese? From actual cows? No, no, no. So, as a consequence, I ate plain lettuce. Five minutes or so later, the entree came. The pork chops were actually very good (sorry Rosh Hashanah folks). The meat was grilled very nicely. As for the spinach, the spinach, too, was delicious. The sauteing was really brought out, and every individual leaf was wet and cooked. So, I got up, walked through the door, went to my hotel room, changed into a bathing suit, and went to the waterpark attached to the hotel to embrace my inner four year old (oh yeah, YALL!).
SERVICE: The service was nice, and possibly even American (we win, Jan Brewer!). She was wearing a uniform (yep, I am living in 1929... Great Depression.... America gets optimistic about someone and elects him as president.... and now uniforms. Where's The Gold Rush when you need it?), and working quite hard. Of course, since I have no idea about Canadian service, this is a total guess, but hey? Massachusetts is smart, right? We've come back since January... right?
ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was simpler than nutrition (don't eat the darn fat! It's that simple!). There were a few pictures on the wall, and the floors were nice and clean... but it was more plain than the number of viral videos that go through the web every month (this video, that video.... remember Double Rainbow? So August 2010). There's goes bragging about attention spans. Oh look, Lady Gaga wore some meat dress. Like, OMG!
PRICE: The price was (I can't give an exact number) eleven to twenty-five dollars, per entree. Hmm..... cheap.... but not cheap. Cheap..... but..... not cheap. A-ok, or bleh. Ted Kennedy or Scott Brown. Sitting on the beach or sitting with pneumonia..... I'll bring the cooler!
RATING: Perkins is a place serving decent food for an (allegedly) good price. But the atmosphere is basic (allegedly) and uniforms reign king (allegedly), so it's really a mixed bag (you know, I was going to say apparently, but allegedly works too). No I don't live in 1929, I live in the 90's. Dolly the sheep. Bill Clinton. Nirvana. Close enough. Perkins gets a four out of five.
TYPE OF FOOD: Canadian (what do they eat here?)
REVIEW: Being north of the border can be a great relief to some people (me). No Scott Brown. No Sarah Palin. PETA, well, that's one thing, but otherwise Canada is mighty fine (okay, never saying that again). But, you may ask, sitting in your apartment and/or office trying to make a spread sheet but Windows shut down suddenly because you "overloaded the server" for the eleventh time this week and you what to calm down by reading political ranting but you don't want to watch Glenn Beck so you go here (thanks!), "What is my view of Canada?" French getting thrown around. And maple leaves. Yep, I'm an American. And that was what I thought as went into Perkin's.
Well, Canada is not a far throw from Massachusetts. There was the usual "all-day breakfast" which loses it's quality and charm at 2 o' clock (who uses that expression any more? 1920's enthusiasts?). There's the apparently healthy "butter-steamed broccoli" (well, there's butter.... but it's broccoli! So it has to be healthy, right? RIGHT?). And then of course there's one of the least appetizing thing of all: the Kickin Chicken sandwich (breaded chicken breast, pepper Jack cheese, "Onion Tanglers", smoked bacon, spicy Chipotle Ranch dressing, lettuce and tomato.... if you didn't gag at the "Onion Tanglers", then I don't know what to tell you). So after some searching, I finally decided my answer: pork chops with sauteed spinach and a side salad. After ten to fifteen minutes, the salad was placed in front of the muscles in my head.
The salad had cheese and croutons on top. Look, I love a good Greek salad, but American cheese? From actual cows? No, no, no. So, as a consequence, I ate plain lettuce. Five minutes or so later, the entree came. The pork chops were actually very good (sorry Rosh Hashanah folks). The meat was grilled very nicely. As for the spinach, the spinach, too, was delicious. The sauteing was really brought out, and every individual leaf was wet and cooked. So, I got up, walked through the door, went to my hotel room, changed into a bathing suit, and went to the waterpark attached to the hotel to embrace my inner four year old (oh yeah, YALL!).
SERVICE: The service was nice, and possibly even American (we win, Jan Brewer!). She was wearing a uniform (yep, I am living in 1929... Great Depression.... America gets optimistic about someone and elects him as president.... and now uniforms. Where's The Gold Rush when you need it?), and working quite hard. Of course, since I have no idea about Canadian service, this is a total guess, but hey? Massachusetts is smart, right? We've come back since January... right?
ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was simpler than nutrition (don't eat the darn fat! It's that simple!). There were a few pictures on the wall, and the floors were nice and clean... but it was more plain than the number of viral videos that go through the web every month (this video, that video.... remember Double Rainbow? So August 2010). There's goes bragging about attention spans. Oh look, Lady Gaga wore some meat dress. Like, OMG!
PRICE: The price was (I can't give an exact number) eleven to twenty-five dollars, per entree. Hmm..... cheap.... but not cheap. Cheap..... but..... not cheap. A-ok, or bleh. Ted Kennedy or Scott Brown. Sitting on the beach or sitting with pneumonia..... I'll bring the cooler!
RATING: Perkins is a place serving decent food for an (allegedly) good price. But the atmosphere is basic (allegedly) and uniforms reign king (allegedly), so it's really a mixed bag (you know, I was going to say apparently, but allegedly works too). No I don't live in 1929, I live in the 90's. Dolly the sheep. Bill Clinton. Nirvana. Close enough. Perkins gets a four out of five.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Dinosaur Barbeque
LOCATION: 99 Court Street Rochester, NY
TYPE OF FOOD: Barbecue
REVIEW: Food places appear where you might not expect them to be in. Like a Republican in Massachusetts (Scott Brown. Charles Baker. Karyn Polito. We now have more crazies than PETA), you would not expect them in the country. For instance, one would not expect a kosher deli in Jamaica, but there probably is one. One would not expect a Chinese place in Dubai, but there probably is one. A barbecue place in upstate New York? Son, I think I need to take you to the doctor. And yet there it was. In the seemingly deserted city of Rochester (I guess this city goes to sleep at four...)
Walking up to the lady, I gave her my name, and she told me a half hour wait. Now, I'm already starving (for tax cuts! 'Cause we need no taxes! No taxes! But it's causing the school to fall apart..... but who cares when you have money?), so waiting half an hour is like a death sentence (is that banned in New York?). So I wait.... and wait... and wait. Groups before me go.... and then groups after go (what!? We were here before you! You can't just tread all over us! Oh. You have guns. All right, onto the Trail of Tears...). Finally after forty minutes I get seated. Once I sit down, I order the ribs, with no sauce, with a tomato-cucumber salad and a fruit salad. Twenty minutes later, the food came.
The ribs were, like Chester Arthur's administration, above average. Yep. Just above average. The tomato-cucumber salad had some sort of dressing, which I could guess was vinegar based (so wouldn't it make it a vinaigrette? Is there a definition... for anything on Wikipedia? This list depends on the definition of this word... this word depends on this list... this one's a stub.... these are weasel words... was is a weasel word?). And the fruit salad was fresh. But since they serve it all on the same plate, the three mixed a little. Vinegar and grapes? More gross than the woman who re-grew her finger (she still has it). And so, meal complete, I got up and left. And there was still no one on the street.
SERVICE: The service was nice and busy. There were quite a few of them, but when I was taken outside (this is where I sat down and ate), there was only one person. The service was also fast (Obama's bills can't do that). When I said I wanted no sauce on my ribs, after they were brought to me with sauce, the server said it was no problem and in two minutes, it came back with no sauce. If only everything was that easy (and now, you can get this amazing product, for twenty easy payments of twenty-five dollars! Plus shipping and handling!).
ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was.. well... um... louder than Kanye West. The music was blaring more than the number of teen mom and Octomom-like programs on A&E. And there was no relief outside. Apparently, there is some sort of Hell's Angels convention going on, because every motorcyclist in a twenty mile radius was at the place. Engines roaring... people talking and shouting... all in front of a darn restaurant. Where's noise complaints and lawyers when you need one? And I'm saying that in America!
PRICE: My meal was fifteen dollars. So if you come alone, bring twenty-five dollars. Well, six ribs and two sides is quite a bit of food when you think about it. But twenty-five dollars is a bit of money when you think about it. When you think about it? Not in this day and age.
RATING: Dinosaur Barbeque is a place with Ulysses S. Grant food and Theodore Roosevelt service. But with James Buchanan atmosphere, and John Tyler price, the restaurant just turns out to be a giant Millard Fillmore. When your entire cabinet resigns, you know you're going down. Dinosaur Barbeque gets a three out of five.
TYPE OF FOOD: Barbecue
REVIEW: Food places appear where you might not expect them to be in. Like a Republican in Massachusetts (Scott Brown. Charles Baker. Karyn Polito. We now have more crazies than PETA), you would not expect them in the country. For instance, one would not expect a kosher deli in Jamaica, but there probably is one. One would not expect a Chinese place in Dubai, but there probably is one. A barbecue place in upstate New York? Son, I think I need to take you to the doctor. And yet there it was. In the seemingly deserted city of Rochester (I guess this city goes to sleep at four...)
Walking up to the lady, I gave her my name, and she told me a half hour wait. Now, I'm already starving (for tax cuts! 'Cause we need no taxes! No taxes! But it's causing the school to fall apart..... but who cares when you have money?), so waiting half an hour is like a death sentence (is that banned in New York?). So I wait.... and wait... and wait. Groups before me go.... and then groups after go (what!? We were here before you! You can't just tread all over us! Oh. You have guns. All right, onto the Trail of Tears...). Finally after forty minutes I get seated. Once I sit down, I order the ribs, with no sauce, with a tomato-cucumber salad and a fruit salad. Twenty minutes later, the food came.
The ribs were, like Chester Arthur's administration, above average. Yep. Just above average. The tomato-cucumber salad had some sort of dressing, which I could guess was vinegar based (so wouldn't it make it a vinaigrette? Is there a definition... for anything on Wikipedia? This list depends on the definition of this word... this word depends on this list... this one's a stub.... these are weasel words... was is a weasel word?). And the fruit salad was fresh. But since they serve it all on the same plate, the three mixed a little. Vinegar and grapes? More gross than the woman who re-grew her finger (she still has it). And so, meal complete, I got up and left. And there was still no one on the street.
SERVICE: The service was nice and busy. There were quite a few of them, but when I was taken outside (this is where I sat down and ate), there was only one person. The service was also fast (Obama's bills can't do that). When I said I wanted no sauce on my ribs, after they were brought to me with sauce, the server said it was no problem and in two minutes, it came back with no sauce. If only everything was that easy (and now, you can get this amazing product, for twenty easy payments of twenty-five dollars! Plus shipping and handling!).
ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was.. well... um... louder than Kanye West. The music was blaring more than the number of teen mom and Octomom-like programs on A&E. And there was no relief outside. Apparently, there is some sort of Hell's Angels convention going on, because every motorcyclist in a twenty mile radius was at the place. Engines roaring... people talking and shouting... all in front of a darn restaurant. Where's noise complaints and lawyers when you need one? And I'm saying that in America!
PRICE: My meal was fifteen dollars. So if you come alone, bring twenty-five dollars. Well, six ribs and two sides is quite a bit of food when you think about it. But twenty-five dollars is a bit of money when you think about it. When you think about it? Not in this day and age.
RATING: Dinosaur Barbeque is a place with Ulysses S. Grant food and Theodore Roosevelt service. But with James Buchanan atmosphere, and John Tyler price, the restaurant just turns out to be a giant Millard Fillmore. When your entire cabinet resigns, you know you're going down. Dinosaur Barbeque gets a three out of five.
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