Alice's Restaurant

LOCATION: 40 Main Street Stockbridge, MA
TYPE OF FOOD: American/Diner
REVIEW: Do not attempt to adjust the metal, glass and plastic that is sitting in front of you as read this. This is not a Alice's Restaurant, this is the Alice's Restaurant that one Arlo Guthrie described in his eighteen minute, thirteen-four second long epic, "Alice's Restaurant" (I wonder where the name of the song came from...). And for me, it was pure luck for me to end up there, due to being lost and going to the Norman Rockwell Museum (thanks a lot, Rosie the Riveter! We can do it! We can make this guy get lost in the middle of nowhere!).

Going around back, I was sat down and given a menu. Now, while it wasn't "everything you want," it was quite a big menu (Arlo lied to me... and now I will never listen to Washington County. Stink it, Lenny Waronker!). I was debating wiht myself for a few moments before my eyes saw it. It was a special item. It was only going to be served that day. It was an Indian dish served in an American restaurant (cue cliche foreboding music). It was chicken curry with brown rice. Within twenty minutes or so, it was on the piece of wood that us humans call "a table" (can you say "table", boys and girls? You can? Good for you.).

The curry was absolutely unedible. For some reason, it was creamy, and I'm pretty sure the "chef" didn't know the definition of "curry". The rice was inedible and was ruined by the curry crushing the flavor more than Reagan turning Mondale into a pulp.
There was no vegetables with the rice, no sauce, nothing to bury the flavor. So, disappointed, I rose up and walked onto the streets of Stockbridge.

SERVICE: The service was quite good. They were willing to help out when they were asked. Sadly though, they suffered from "GYWTMTTDIYWTOT Syndrome (Giving-You-Way-Too-Much-Time-To-Decide-If-You-Want-This Or That Syndrome)". After asking for a little more time to figure out what I wanted to eat, they didn't come back for several minutes. Well, I guess a couple of dishes with some misplaced gravy and potatoes is more important than the customer. Pass me the sponge.

ATMOSPHERE: If there is ever such a thing as a temple to a perfectly normal human being, it would be Alice's Restaurant to Arlo Guthrie. There were several pictures of him all over the walls of the place. There were a few tables outside but most of the tables were indoors. The floors were very clean and nice. The only major was the bathroom. The door wouldn't open for the life of me. It was so bad I had to call for the tallest male waiter in the place, who could open the door with one, swift pull. To the weights for me.

PRICE: The price was good enough that I didn't feel ripped off. Yep, I didn't feel ripped off. I didn't feel ripped off of my lunch, the annoyed feeling I felt afterwards, and the fruit I had to stuff myself full of following the experience. Not too bad, don't you think?

RATING: You can't get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant. You can walk right in, it is around the back, but the food's quality is lack. I didn't intend to visit Alice at the restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in Provincetown, 162 miles away. We got up there, and thought about our food, but I decided I needed a few moments to think. So the waiter went away, and I decided twenty seconds later. But the waiter didn't come back for several minutes. So, I decided to go the restroom. Well, I got to the door and it was closed, and it seemed like there was a chain across it. So, very annoyed and frustrated, I turned away and called for a waiter. So I sat back down and was fed my food. It tasted like garbage, so I only ate half of it. Now friends, those are one or two things that are bad but it can only go up from there, right? Well, that's wrong, as the price for it was the same. So now, if you are ever in the area, and you see Alice, you can walk up to her and say, "Alice, you can't get anything you want at your restaurant." You can't get anything you want (nor should you) at Alice's Restaurant, which gets a one out of five.

Mac's Diner

LOCATION: Schuylerville, New York
TYPE OF FOOD: Diner (that was hard to figure out, right!)
REVIEW: Small town America has undergone many changes over the years. What was once a widespread, well known thing is now as much of a myth as bipartisanship. What was once in the hands of the people is now in the hands of independent film makers and David Lynch. What was once Whole Foods is now Lehman Brothers. Pulling into the town of Schuylerville, I was looking around, while trying to ignore my stomach, growling faster than a rabid dog.

My eyes landing on the plastic just above the piece of tree cut probably from South America, I wondered why this place was called a diner. The menu was smaller than the amount of minor political parties that people give two cents about (ever heard of the New American Independent Party? 828 people have!). Still, I thought about what I could possibly get. Maybe a (breathing heavily) hamburger? Or a (hair standing by itself) cheeseburger? Or maybe even a (gasp) hot dog? After two or so minutes of not so much debating, I decided to get a grilled chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomato with a side salad (isn't it a shocker?). After a few minutes, the chicken sandwich came to me.

The chicken was grilled to perfection,, with the tomato and bread adding their poker chips to the table (I'm going all in). The lettuce was not wet and had a nice crunch to it. The salad had nice, fresh ingredients and was clearly hand made. Plus, it was absolutely delicious. Satisfied, I left, and stepped out into the small town of Schuylerville.

SERVICE: Oh my goodness cell, bone and organ structures. The service was as nice as San Francisco banning kids toys from Happy Meals (saving your life and the environment! Thanks Gavin Newsom!). They actually had a conversation beyond, "How can I help you today?" or saying "Aww" in a "caring" voice when something "sad" has happened. They actually legitimately cared, too. And who else does that these days? For extra credit, name three places. Have them written on lined paper and on my desk as soon as possible. Class dismissed.

ATMOSPHERE: The restaurant had a large bulletin board with different newspaper clippings all over it. The restaurant also had one television playing some Matt Damon movie on it (so glad it wasn't "Green Zone"! A fifteen minute chase with very little action? Come on, Paul Greengrass!). The floors were clean and so were the bathrooms, which had an unusually placed John Lennon poster. Why that is there I still can't figure out.

PRICE: The price was very, very reasonable considering the service and food. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I think I'm starting to like small towns. But not their "newspapers" with their "crosswords" and their "jokes". At least they give me a free dose of Vitamin ZZZZZ. Ha. Ha. Ha.

RATING: Mac's Diner is an absolutely terrific place with great food, atmosphere, and price. Not to mention the service is absolutely, positively, super, supremely, sawesomely friendly. For bonus points, name three more adjectives, put those right next to the places I told you to write above, in number two pencil, with a parent signature, and place those in the "In" folder above the tissues. Mac's Diner gets a five out of five.