Kitchenette

LOCATION: 1272 Amsterdam Avenue New York City, NY (that's hard to guess)
TYPE OF FOOD: Breakfast
REVIEW: Being in New York City is like being at a Beatles concert in 1963: loud, wild, and you'll have a "hard day's night" (cue crash symbol). New York can also be one of the cheesiest places on Earth (just ask "Ray's"! Or that Ray's, or that Ray's, or that one, or...). That was what I was thinking, walking down Amsterdam Avenue (why does the Netherlands get all the attention? Why isn't there a Belgium Street or Luxembourg Road? All the Netherlands have given us is uncomfortable shoes!).

With my body relying on the several pieces of wood attached to one another and set at various right angles and a few acute ones, I used my eyes to exploit the sense of sight to transmit information to my brain so I can decide what to use my stomach acids for (science textbooks always pay off in the end!). What should I use my saliva for (stay tuned to find out!)? Should I get the "Kitchenless" (we use a hot sidewalk instead!)? Or the "Farmhouse Breakfast" (we steal the chickens from a nearby farm, give them a full body massage and force them to watch "Gigli" until they give us the good stuff! Don't let PETA find out!)? Or how about the "Heartland Granola" (can reduce heart problems in 9 out of 10 people! WARNING: Side effects may include bloating, stomach pains, depression in some adults, swelling of the face, mouth and chin, nosebleeds, tooth erosion, hiccuping, ear wax increase, Venezuelan beaver infection, and zits)? Finally I made my decision: corned beef hash with eggs and toast. After an undisclosed amount of time (for the sake of the victims), the food came to me.

WOW. The toast was absolutely outstandly awesomely lyly amazing. It was almost biscuit-like and was clearly made in house. Unfortunately, the hash itself was salty, especially the meat. The eggs were edible, but wasn't the greatest I ever had. All of the food was warm and was clearly made, but it felt like someone slipped on a banana peel holding a salt container and spilled it on my food. After successfully clearing my arteries, I lifted my body off the chair and walked out the door.

SERVICE: The service served the salty hash successfully with satisfaction from myself. They were patient, didn't ask us for drinks three seconds after we sat down, were willing to make substitutions, didn't ask us for drinks three seconds after we sat down, were happy, and didn't ask us for drinks three seconds after we sat down. Do you notice a pattern here?

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was very interesting. The floors were clean, and there were the usual pictures placed all over the walls, but one thing stood out: their tap water. Why, you might ask, would it be different than the tap water here? It's because they served their tap water in glass milk jars. Yes, that's right. The glass milk jars you would probably see in every farm movie starring some country boy and some girl from the city, they used them for tap water. Except this time the people actually make money. Hip hip hooray.

PRICE: The hash, eggs and toast were all twelve dollars. The food was enough to fill my stomach with enough proteins, starch and fat to tell my brain to stop putting stuff down my esophagus. There was enough food with an equal price. What more needs to be said?

RATING: Kitchenette is a great restaurant with amazing toast, good atmosphere, and good price. However, the main entree felt like someone dropped the salt container in it and then mixed it with their bare hands. And then with a wooden spoon. Then with a food processor. Then with a blender. Then with a mixer. Now you can get all of that for the low price of eight payments of thirty dollars! Kitchenette gets a four out of five.