Kitchenette

LOCATION: 1272 Amsterdam Avenue New York City, NY (that's hard to guess)
TYPE OF FOOD: Breakfast
REVIEW: Being in New York City is like being at a Beatles concert in 1963: loud, wild, and you'll have a "hard day's night" (cue crash symbol). New York can also be one of the cheesiest places on Earth (just ask "Ray's"! Or that Ray's, or that Ray's, or that one, or...). That was what I was thinking, walking down Amsterdam Avenue (why does the Netherlands get all the attention? Why isn't there a Belgium Street or Luxembourg Road? All the Netherlands have given us is uncomfortable shoes!).

With my body relying on the several pieces of wood attached to one another and set at various right angles and a few acute ones, I used my eyes to exploit the sense of sight to transmit information to my brain so I can decide what to use my stomach acids for (science textbooks always pay off in the end!). What should I use my saliva for (stay tuned to find out!)? Should I get the "Kitchenless" (we use a hot sidewalk instead!)? Or the "Farmhouse Breakfast" (we steal the chickens from a nearby farm, give them a full body massage and force them to watch "Gigli" until they give us the good stuff! Don't let PETA find out!)? Or how about the "Heartland Granola" (can reduce heart problems in 9 out of 10 people! WARNING: Side effects may include bloating, stomach pains, depression in some adults, swelling of the face, mouth and chin, nosebleeds, tooth erosion, hiccuping, ear wax increase, Venezuelan beaver infection, and zits)? Finally I made my decision: corned beef hash with eggs and toast. After an undisclosed amount of time (for the sake of the victims), the food came to me.

WOW. The toast was absolutely outstandly awesomely lyly amazing. It was almost biscuit-like and was clearly made in house. Unfortunately, the hash itself was salty, especially the meat. The eggs were edible, but wasn't the greatest I ever had. All of the food was warm and was clearly made, but it felt like someone slipped on a banana peel holding a salt container and spilled it on my food. After successfully clearing my arteries, I lifted my body off the chair and walked out the door.

SERVICE: The service served the salty hash successfully with satisfaction from myself. They were patient, didn't ask us for drinks three seconds after we sat down, were willing to make substitutions, didn't ask us for drinks three seconds after we sat down, were happy, and didn't ask us for drinks three seconds after we sat down. Do you notice a pattern here?

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was very interesting. The floors were clean, and there were the usual pictures placed all over the walls, but one thing stood out: their tap water. Why, you might ask, would it be different than the tap water here? It's because they served their tap water in glass milk jars. Yes, that's right. The glass milk jars you would probably see in every farm movie starring some country boy and some girl from the city, they used them for tap water. Except this time the people actually make money. Hip hip hooray.

PRICE: The hash, eggs and toast were all twelve dollars. The food was enough to fill my stomach with enough proteins, starch and fat to tell my brain to stop putting stuff down my esophagus. There was enough food with an equal price. What more needs to be said?

RATING: Kitchenette is a great restaurant with amazing toast, good atmosphere, and good price. However, the main entree felt like someone dropped the salt container in it and then mixed it with their bare hands. And then with a wooden spoon. Then with a food processor. Then with a blender. Then with a mixer. Now you can get all of that for the low price of eight payments of thirty dollars! Kitchenette gets a four out of five.

Alice's Restaurant

LOCATION: 40 Main Street Stockbridge, MA
TYPE OF FOOD: American/Diner
REVIEW: Do not attempt to adjust the metal, glass and plastic that is sitting in front of you as read this. This is not a Alice's Restaurant, this is the Alice's Restaurant that one Arlo Guthrie described in his eighteen minute, thirteen-four second long epic, "Alice's Restaurant" (I wonder where the name of the song came from...). And for me, it was pure luck for me to end up there, due to being lost and going to the Norman Rockwell Museum (thanks a lot, Rosie the Riveter! We can do it! We can make this guy get lost in the middle of nowhere!).

Going around back, I was sat down and given a menu. Now, while it wasn't "everything you want," it was quite a big menu (Arlo lied to me... and now I will never listen to Washington County. Stink it, Lenny Waronker!). I was debating wiht myself for a few moments before my eyes saw it. It was a special item. It was only going to be served that day. It was an Indian dish served in an American restaurant (cue cliche foreboding music). It was chicken curry with brown rice. Within twenty minutes or so, it was on the piece of wood that us humans call "a table" (can you say "table", boys and girls? You can? Good for you.).

The curry was absolutely unedible. For some reason, it was creamy, and I'm pretty sure the "chef" didn't know the definition of "curry". The rice was inedible and was ruined by the curry crushing the flavor more than Reagan turning Mondale into a pulp.
There was no vegetables with the rice, no sauce, nothing to bury the flavor. So, disappointed, I rose up and walked onto the streets of Stockbridge.

SERVICE: The service was quite good. They were willing to help out when they were asked. Sadly though, they suffered from "GYWTMTTDIYWTOT Syndrome (Giving-You-Way-Too-Much-Time-To-Decide-If-You-Want-This Or That Syndrome)". After asking for a little more time to figure out what I wanted to eat, they didn't come back for several minutes. Well, I guess a couple of dishes with some misplaced gravy and potatoes is more important than the customer. Pass me the sponge.

ATMOSPHERE: If there is ever such a thing as a temple to a perfectly normal human being, it would be Alice's Restaurant to Arlo Guthrie. There were several pictures of him all over the walls of the place. There were a few tables outside but most of the tables were indoors. The floors were very clean and nice. The only major was the bathroom. The door wouldn't open for the life of me. It was so bad I had to call for the tallest male waiter in the place, who could open the door with one, swift pull. To the weights for me.

PRICE: The price was good enough that I didn't feel ripped off. Yep, I didn't feel ripped off. I didn't feel ripped off of my lunch, the annoyed feeling I felt afterwards, and the fruit I had to stuff myself full of following the experience. Not too bad, don't you think?

RATING: You can't get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant. You can walk right in, it is around the back, but the food's quality is lack. I didn't intend to visit Alice at the restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in Provincetown, 162 miles away. We got up there, and thought about our food, but I decided I needed a few moments to think. So the waiter went away, and I decided twenty seconds later. But the waiter didn't come back for several minutes. So, I decided to go the restroom. Well, I got to the door and it was closed, and it seemed like there was a chain across it. So, very annoyed and frustrated, I turned away and called for a waiter. So I sat back down and was fed my food. It tasted like garbage, so I only ate half of it. Now friends, those are one or two things that are bad but it can only go up from there, right? Well, that's wrong, as the price for it was the same. So now, if you are ever in the area, and you see Alice, you can walk up to her and say, "Alice, you can't get anything you want at your restaurant." You can't get anything you want (nor should you) at Alice's Restaurant, which gets a one out of five.

Mac's Diner

LOCATION: Schuylerville, New York
TYPE OF FOOD: Diner (that was hard to figure out, right!)
REVIEW: Small town America has undergone many changes over the years. What was once a widespread, well known thing is now as much of a myth as bipartisanship. What was once in the hands of the people is now in the hands of independent film makers and David Lynch. What was once Whole Foods is now Lehman Brothers. Pulling into the town of Schuylerville, I was looking around, while trying to ignore my stomach, growling faster than a rabid dog.

My eyes landing on the plastic just above the piece of tree cut probably from South America, I wondered why this place was called a diner. The menu was smaller than the amount of minor political parties that people give two cents about (ever heard of the New American Independent Party? 828 people have!). Still, I thought about what I could possibly get. Maybe a (breathing heavily) hamburger? Or a (hair standing by itself) cheeseburger? Or maybe even a (gasp) hot dog? After two or so minutes of not so much debating, I decided to get a grilled chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomato with a side salad (isn't it a shocker?). After a few minutes, the chicken sandwich came to me.

The chicken was grilled to perfection,, with the tomato and bread adding their poker chips to the table (I'm going all in). The lettuce was not wet and had a nice crunch to it. The salad had nice, fresh ingredients and was clearly hand made. Plus, it was absolutely delicious. Satisfied, I left, and stepped out into the small town of Schuylerville.

SERVICE: Oh my goodness cell, bone and organ structures. The service was as nice as San Francisco banning kids toys from Happy Meals (saving your life and the environment! Thanks Gavin Newsom!). They actually had a conversation beyond, "How can I help you today?" or saying "Aww" in a "caring" voice when something "sad" has happened. They actually legitimately cared, too. And who else does that these days? For extra credit, name three places. Have them written on lined paper and on my desk as soon as possible. Class dismissed.

ATMOSPHERE: The restaurant had a large bulletin board with different newspaper clippings all over it. The restaurant also had one television playing some Matt Damon movie on it (so glad it wasn't "Green Zone"! A fifteen minute chase with very little action? Come on, Paul Greengrass!). The floors were clean and so were the bathrooms, which had an unusually placed John Lennon poster. Why that is there I still can't figure out.

PRICE: The price was very, very reasonable considering the service and food. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I think I'm starting to like small towns. But not their "newspapers" with their "crosswords" and their "jokes". At least they give me a free dose of Vitamin ZZZZZ. Ha. Ha. Ha.

RATING: Mac's Diner is an absolutely terrific place with great food, atmosphere, and price. Not to mention the service is absolutely, positively, super, supremely, sawesomely friendly. For bonus points, name three more adjectives, put those right next to the places I told you to write above, in number two pencil, with a parent signature, and place those in the "In" folder above the tissues. Mac's Diner gets a five out of five.

Shopsy's

LOCATION: 96 Richmond West (Sharaton Centre.... not correct spelling. Cent-err, nor cent-tray!) Toronto, Canada
TYPE OF FOOD: Deli
REVIEW: Hotel restaurants are very tricky territory. It's equal to when the president does something groundbreaking and the whole country gets angry at him for no real reason and wants to throw out all of the good politicians for "change" and despite all of truth being thrown in the faces of everyone by the good guys, the people still think it's total bull honkey and throw it by the side the road and you're the same party as the president and you can do nothing but put your hands over your face and try to avoid seeing all of your politicians getting picked off one by one: you try to remain hopeful and go on in.

Glancing on the ink that formed the letters that appeared on the paper which is the menu, I wondered what I should chew, swallow, and convert into waste matter. Should I get the Shopsy's Original Hotdog (would you like Swiss and bacon with that?)? How about the Grilled Vegetable sandwich (hmm.... vegetables, goat cheese, arugula, and black olive tapenade on focaccia... yum!)? Or maybe the Kilkenny Fish and Chips (because some random city in Ireland totally has to do with some hotel deli in Canada)? I decided upon a corned beef sandwich on wheat and I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. One. Whole. Hour. For. Smoked. Corn. Beef. With. Lettuce. Finally. After. A. While. Of. Nonstop. Annoyance. And. Nearly. Leaving. The. Sandwich. Got. To. The. Table.

The sandwich's meat was like eating the food embodiment of all of Ed Wood's films combined. The lettuce was like "Pluto Nash", the bread like "Troll 2" (he hates the sandwich! And now he's going on a rant! Oh my GOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!). The sandwich was big, but that doesn't make up a single character about how the sandwich was a hot pile of absolute bad sitting on my plate. With absolutely bad food dissolving in my system, I got up and left, not looking back or hesitating the slightest distance between my thumb and index finger.

SERVICE: The service was nice, very nice, very, very nice, especially when you factor in the fact that he took our orders, walked away from the table, and left us waiting for an hour and never told us anything about anything.... but there were very, very nice.

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was normal, and I can fully throw myself behind this, because I was looking around so frequently, trying to distract myself from my growling stomach. Random black-and-white pictures (they're always at every regional chain I go to..... what does some random car from the 40's have to do with anything? Harry Truman?) were spread over the walls like the ads for voting Yes on Question 1 are on the television (okay... you don't want another tax? Well, if you don't want better roads, education, buildings, health care, and life, just so that you can have another Budweiser, go ahead, that's perfectly logical!). The floors, along with the bathroom, were absolutely clean. And I know that. I was looking around for over an hour.

PRICE: Twelve dollars for corned beef and lettuce on wheat. Twelve dollars. But it was a big portion. So, big portions make up the twelve dollars, right? Funny thing though. Despite the big portions on my plate, there was no such thing in my stomach. Huh.

RATING: Shopsy's is what you would expect a hotel restaurant to be: as horrible as the idea of Question 3. With an hour long wait for a corned beef sandwich, random black-and-white pictures, bad quality food, disappointing service, and "big portions", you have to wonder where their ideas went. Cough, cough, Charlie Baker, Tim Cahill, Scott Brown, Jennifer Nassour, Jeanne Kangas, Brandy Jones, Jr., Richard R. Tisrei, Bill Campbell, Jim McKenna, Karyn Polito, Mary Connaughton, cough, cough. Oh, sorry. My computer must have done that. Flopsy's gets a-oh, sorry. Shopsy's gets a one out of five.

Fresh

LOCATION: 864 Queen Street West Toronto, Canada
TYPE OF FOOD: Vegetarian (eat it, Corn Refiners Association... high-fructose corn syrup is good for you... it's as good for you as Lindsay Lohan is out of jail)
REVIEW: "Health food" places can be one of the most dangerous places for food. When performed correctly, the profits will be better than homemade pizza is average (there's no taste in any of it!). But should you fail... well, America never fails. We'll just put a big banner in front of the place saying, "Dishin' Accomplished". Then we'll put the owners on the streets. Only in America (Canada... oh yeah, that place with maple leaves and seals)!

Looking at the very healthy menu (healthy... only one bacon cheeseburger with buns buttered instead of two. I've lost 52 pounds!), I decided on ordering a juice (Tropicana, Florida's Best, and Odwalla. Carbs, sugars, and 30% real fruit!). Which one should I have, though? Should I get an "Avocado Smoothie" (avocado, spinach, banana, and coconut water... that's a fancy guacamole!)? The "Oompa Loompa" (I wonder if Deep Roy has ever been to this place...)? Or maybe even the "Singer's Saving Grace" (a meat dress!)? After some thinking, I decided to go for the simplest option (hacking into the system to find the Golden Ticket instead of spending five dollars on hydrogenated lecithin, calcium caseinate and wheat flour hydrolysate?): the "Breathless" smoothie: mango, banana, and strawberry (call me a wimp, call me a coward, just don't call me a Tea Partier.... I just want to eat crumpets and drink jasmine in peace!). After a couple of minutes, my drink came.

Oh. My. (insert religious deity). The smoothie was definitely, absolutely, delicious. It was more delicious than the Republican Party misunderestimated the Tea Party (from one kick in the balls to another kick in the balls. Except they're wearing cowboy boots.). It was so delicious, I stopped thinking about my entree. I did order my entree however, and chose the American option: the mushroom-onion burger. A little while after I ordered that, it came. There's no actual meat in it, but it was still muy, muy, muy, muy, muy, muy, muy, muy bueno. Y por lo tanto, levante, salieron a la puerta, camino por mas de una hora por la ciudad, consiguio en el coche y fue a mi hotel.

SERVICE: The service is, quite literally, some 22 to 30 year old people (finally, we can get a new Janis Joplin... I'm not taking Serena Gomez as an answer!). They were nice, seemed to know their stuff (I'll stick with 60's, 70's, 80's, and every now-and-then 90's), and were full of energy (why can't Deval Patrick be that? He gets elected, inauguration.... um... casinos... economy.. and... floods). When was the last time the Republican Party put up a candidate with all three of those babies? Oh right.. Theodore Roosevelt. I stand corrected.

ATMOSPHERE: Clean floors, low noise level, green bathrooms, Buddhist statues and good lighting... um... do I really need to say anything more? Hmm.... nah.

PRICE: Both parts of my meal was $15.50. So for one person, bring twenty. Let me explain this in laymans terms: one delicious and high quality smoothie/juice, and one amazing entree. Cha-ching.

EXAMEN: Fresh es un restaurante de deliciosos y de alta calidad que cada vegetariano debe visitar al menos una vez en su vida. Y si no lo hace, estará lo sentimos. Hola, he oído que Porter tiene tarifas bajas. Sbarro, líneas de seguridad supuestamente largo y aleatoria scupltures aquí llegamos. Fresh obtiene un cinco de cinco.

Perkins

LOCATION: Niagara Falls, Canada
TYPE OF FOOD: Canadian (what do they eat here?)
REVIEW: Being north of the border can be a great relief to some people (me). No Scott Brown. No Sarah Palin. PETA, well, that's one thing, but otherwise Canada is mighty fine (okay, never saying that again). But, you may ask, sitting in your apartment and/or office trying to make a spread sheet but Windows shut down suddenly because you "overloaded the server" for the eleventh time this week and you what to calm down by reading political ranting but you don't want to watch Glenn Beck so you go here (thanks!), "What is my view of Canada?" French getting thrown around. And maple leaves. Yep, I'm an American. And that was what I thought as went into Perkin's.

Well, Canada is not a far throw from Massachusetts. There was the usual "all-day breakfast" which loses it's quality and charm at 2 o' clock (who uses that expression any more? 1920's enthusiasts?). There's the apparently healthy "butter-steamed broccoli" (well, there's butter.... but it's broccoli! So it has to be healthy, right? RIGHT?). And then of course there's one of the least appetizing thing of all: the Kickin Chicken sandwich (breaded chicken breast, pepper Jack cheese, "Onion Tanglers", smoked bacon, spicy Chipotle Ranch dressing, lettuce and tomato.... if you didn't gag at the "Onion Tanglers", then I don't know what to tell you). So after some searching, I finally decided my answer: pork chops with sauteed spinach and a side salad. After ten to fifteen minutes, the salad was placed in front of the muscles in my head.

The salad had cheese and croutons on top. Look, I love a good Greek salad, but American cheese? From actual cows? No, no, no. So, as a consequence, I ate plain lettuce. Five minutes or so later, the entree came. The pork chops were actually very good (sorry Rosh Hashanah folks). The meat was grilled very nicely. As for the spinach, the spinach, too, was delicious. The sauteing was really brought out, and every individual leaf was wet and cooked. So, I got up, walked through the door, went to my hotel room, changed into a bathing suit, and went to the waterpark attached to the hotel to embrace my inner four year old (oh yeah, YALL!).

SERVICE: The service was nice, and possibly even American (we win, Jan Brewer!). She was wearing a uniform (yep, I am living in 1929... Great Depression.... America gets optimistic about someone and elects him as president.... and now uniforms. Where's The Gold Rush when you need it?), and working quite hard. Of course, since I have no idea about Canadian service, this is a total guess, but hey? Massachusetts is smart, right? We've come back since January... right?

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was simpler than nutrition (don't eat the darn fat! It's that simple!). There were a few pictures on the wall, and the floors were nice and clean... but it was more plain than the number of viral videos that go through the web every month (this video, that video.... remember Double Rainbow? So August 2010). There's goes bragging about attention spans. Oh look, Lady Gaga wore some meat dress. Like, OMG!

PRICE: The price was (I can't give an exact number) eleven to twenty-five dollars, per entree. Hmm..... cheap.... but not cheap. Cheap..... but..... not cheap. A-ok, or bleh. Ted Kennedy or Scott Brown. Sitting on the beach or sitting with pneumonia..... I'll bring the cooler!

RATING: Perkins is a place serving decent food for an (allegedly) good price. But the atmosphere is basic (allegedly) and uniforms reign king (allegedly), so it's really a mixed bag (you know, I was going to say apparently, but allegedly works too). No I don't live in 1929, I live in the 90's. Dolly the sheep. Bill Clinton. Nirvana. Close enough. Perkins gets a four out of five.

Dinosaur Barbeque

LOCATION: 99 Court Street Rochester, NY
TYPE OF FOOD: Barbecue
REVIEW: Food places appear where you might not expect them to be in. Like a Republican in Massachusetts (Scott Brown. Charles Baker. Karyn Polito. We now have more crazies than PETA), you would not expect them in the country. For instance, one would not expect a kosher deli in Jamaica, but there probably is one. One would not expect a Chinese place in Dubai, but there probably is one. A barbecue place in upstate New York? Son, I think I need to take you to the doctor. And yet there it was. In the seemingly deserted city of Rochester (I guess this city goes to sleep at four...)

Walking up to the lady, I gave her my name, and she told me a half hour wait. Now, I'm already starving (for tax cuts! 'Cause we need no taxes! No taxes! But it's causing the school to fall apart..... but who cares when you have money?), so waiting half an hour is like a death sentence (is that banned in New York?). So I wait.... and wait... and wait. Groups before me go.... and then groups after go (what!? We were here before you! You can't just tread all over us! Oh. You have guns. All right, onto the Trail of Tears...). Finally after forty minutes I get seated. Once I sit down, I order the ribs, with no sauce, with a tomato-cucumber salad and a fruit salad. Twenty minutes later, the food came.

The ribs were, like Chester Arthur's administration, above average. Yep. Just above average. The tomato-cucumber salad had some sort of dressing, which I could guess was vinegar based (so wouldn't it make it a vinaigrette? Is there a definition... for anything on Wikipedia? This list depends on the definition of this word... this word depends on this list... this one's a stub.... these are weasel words... was is a weasel word?). And the fruit salad was fresh. But since they serve it all on the same plate, the three mixed a little. Vinegar and grapes? More gross than the woman who re-grew her finger (she still has it). And so, meal complete, I got up and left. And there was still no one on the street.

SERVICE: The service was nice and busy. There were quite a few of them, but when I was taken outside (this is where I sat down and ate), there was only one person. The service was also fast (Obama's bills can't do that). When I said I wanted no sauce on my ribs, after they were brought to me with sauce, the server said it was no problem and in two minutes, it came back with no sauce. If only everything was that easy (and now, you can get this amazing product, for twenty easy payments of twenty-five dollars! Plus shipping and handling!).

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was.. well... um... louder than Kanye West. The music was blaring more than the number of teen mom and Octomom-like programs on A&E. And there was no relief outside. Apparently, there is some sort of Hell's Angels convention going on, because every motorcyclist in a twenty mile radius was at the place. Engines roaring... people talking and shouting... all in front of a darn restaurant. Where's noise complaints and lawyers when you need one? And I'm saying that in America!

PRICE: My meal was fifteen dollars. So if you come alone, bring twenty-five dollars. Well, six ribs and two sides is quite a bit of food when you think about it. But twenty-five dollars is a bit of money when you think about it. When you think about it? Not in this day and age.

RATING: Dinosaur Barbeque is a place with Ulysses S. Grant food and Theodore Roosevelt service. But with James Buchanan atmosphere, and John Tyler price, the restaurant just turns out to be a giant Millard Fillmore. When your entire cabinet resigns, you know you're going down. Dinosaur Barbeque gets a three out of five.

El Dorado Diner

LOCATION: 460 South Broadway Tarrytown, NY
TYPE OF FOOD: American/Diner
REVIEW: The "New York style diner" (or any restaurant, really) can be a friend... or a fiend. One little thing could annoy one little reviewer from a state that screwed up eight months ago by voting for someone who would wreck everything that the president, who the reviewer didn't vote for, was trying to do, and that one little thing would annoy that one little reviewer to the point that he would knock off one little point out of cinco. Pequenos. Puntos. And I didn't realize that until I left El Dorado Diner (doesn't that always seem to happen?).

Looking at the menu, I realized that there are more options here than gallons of butter in France (note GALLONS). So what should I have? Should I have a garden omelette (broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini and carrots. For every Ingrid Newkirk in your household!) with an ice cream sundae? Or should I have a grilled salmon club with corned beef hash? Or maybe the "Chicken Princess (stuffed chicken breast with crabmeat and broccoli covered with melted mozzarella.... I just gagged)? Finally, after a few minutes, I decided on the chicken kabob with Greek salad. I ordered that, along with iced tea. After a couple of minutes, the iced tea came.

The iced tea had less flavor than inches on Verne Troyer. It clearly was a mix, and I really only drank it because I was thirsty. A few minutes after that, the Greek salad came. The Greek salad was average, and came with a dressing that must been store bought, then mixed with Feta cheese (it was orange!). I hardly ate much of it, just the lettuce and the few cubes of Feta on top. A little after that came the "kabob". There was no kabob, just a plate with food. In fact, there was no chicken. Well, there was chicken, but for some bizarre reason (I bet the Corn Refiner Association did it... "high fructose corn syrup is good for you". Bunch of liars.) it tasted like shrimp. BP ruined, high in cholesterol, shrimp. And despite the bad experiences, I decided to order the fruit salad. Basically, it was more sour than John McEnroe, because they decided they needed to add acid, so they put grapefruit juice on top. Fed up (pun intended), I got up and left the place. And, that was that.

SERVICE: The service was fine. They were always busy, always moving, and (of course) nice and friendly. There really was nothing special at all (so is Family Guy!). Punctuation mark used at the end of a statement that is often drawn as a circle. Period.

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere is what you expect at a classic diner. There were jukeboxes at every table, loaded with songs from the Rolling Stones (from their eleventh European tour!) to Now That's What I Call Music (now that's what I call music's diarrhea!)! The floors had a few straw wrappers here and there, but besides that, the floors were clean. Hopefully Howie Mandel will agree with me....

PRICE: Two people will cost you forty-five dollars. It is a lot of food for a low price, but would you rather pay ninety dollars for food made by Daniel Boulud, or pay forty-five dollars for food made by Sarah Palin (hello, I have some baked Alaska, because I'm a maverick...... and look, there's Russia!)? Yeah, I knew you'd make that choice.

RATING: El Dorado has been known as "the city of gold". At the El Dorado Diner in Tarrytown, New York, there is no gold to be found within a five mile radius of the establishment. And sure, it may have a good atmosphere and a fine service, but those two are crushed like American Airlines by the FAA under bland food. The El Dorado Diner gets a one out of five.

Tanjore

LOCATION: 992 Main Street Fishkill, NY
TYPE OF FOOD: Indian
REVIEW: Believe it or not (looking at you, New England Skeptical Society), I have never been to an Indian restaurant before in my life and I don't know much about Indian culture for that matter. Besides "Benny Lava", "Indian Thriller" and "Tunak Tunak Tun" (move over, DANCING BABY!), I know pretty much nothing of the subject (I guess a knowledge of modern and American history doesn't help..... I feel like that historian from the "Got Milk?" ad...... why Aaron, why?). I was thinking this (and singing "Benny Lava" along the way..... "You need a bun to bite Benny Lava!") as I arrived.

Sitting down, I tried to decide as fast as the Warren Commission on my order. Should I consume "chicken Vindaloo" (can someone tell me what "Goan sauce" is?)? Maybe "Madras Attu Kari" (it's what it says on the tin!)? Or how about "Saffrani Murgh Malai Kabob" (who likes sour cream? On chicken? In a tandoor?)? After a bit of thinking (oh well, at least I beat the U.S.H.S.C.O.A), I decided upon the "chicken Tikka" with "tandoori Roti" (whole wheat bread at an Indian place? It's just like Roger Clemens and perjury charges! Bound to happen!). I also ordered iced tea, but it was not what I thought it would be (dun dun dun). After a little bit more, the food's mass transfered from the air onto the table in which the bends of my arms were resting.

The chicken tasted delicious for the few bites, until I tasted "it". "It" was horrible infecting my mouth faster than Obama's lessening popularity. "It" destroyed every bite with more intensity than the number of eggs getting recalled. "It" strangely doesn't have a Wikipedia page. "It" was cilantro, sprinkled all over the chicken. I tried, to the best of my ability, to remove it, and the chicken still tasted good, but with little bits here and there, the damage was done. The bread had no cilantro (why would it?), so the bread was very, very good. And as for the tea, which I thought would be plain black, it turned out that the people put spices into it. Even then, the tea was very good, and in fact, could have used a little more. After completing my meal, I left the restaurant..... as a thunderstorm moved across the area and poured on me.

SERVICE: The service was the most authentic I have ever seen in my life. They seemed to be from India, or the surrounding area (but hey, Bill Binnie "seemed" to be from America, but he was born in Scotland! And yet he's saying every immigrant HAS to learn English!). They were, as usual, nice and friendly (where's a thesaurus when you need one?). However, at least one person seemed to be always be standing near the bar that was in the back (ugh..... alcohol). This person did seem to be a supervisor... but who knows (conspiracy theories galore!!!)?

ATMOSPHERE: Like with the service, the atmosphere was authentic as if it was in India itself (anyone know Hindi? Because I don't think Pig Latin will help in India....). There was a Hindu-like picture hanging on one of the walls, and there was a buffet cart in one of the corners (at lunch they have buffets, which is apparently quite good... but I was once told that one place had good food and it was average.... oh well). There was music playing but it was quiet (and unintelligible.... I just couldn't get it through my skull... hey, what are these marbles doing here?). And to put the weirdly unhealthy cherry on top of this authentic sundae, the floors were nicely kept and clean. Yay.

PRICE: For three people, have fifty-five dollars on hand. Yes, this might seem a little pricey, but three entrees, two breads, and one drink (with zero desserts) all pretty much have to lead to something (like the "numerous" clues pointing to someone on the grassy knoll! "Admit" it, CIA!): a stomach full of Karaikudi Yera Thokku. Yummy yummy!

RATING: Tanjore is an authentic Indian place with good food and terrific atmosphere. However with cilantro all over the food, this place isn't 100% perfect. However, I can fully say, that Tanjore in Fishkill, New York, definitely knows "the hole to put it". Thank you YouTube. Tanjore gets a four out of five.

Terrapin

LOCATION: 6426 Montgomery Street Rhinebeck, NY
TYPE OF FOOD: American (?)
REVIEW: Restaurants have to be perfectly balanced, like Obama's "bipartisan" Congress (good luck with that one, ha). If one state goes against what it should vote for to vote for "change", then the whole thing would fall apart (deja vu, huh?). And for once, I didn't know that while driving to the place. I only discovered that, after my mass passed into the legal property of the establishment referred from now on as "the place", "the restaurant", or "Terrapin" (what a surprise).

Looking at the menu, I started firing brain cells in order to think about what to get. Should I get "New York state" duck with peking sauce (ooh! I'll get Arizona state quesadillas! It costs three times the regular cost for immigrants!)? Or the "grilled" "portobello" """""""steaks"""""""? After a bundle of minutes (cellphones with projector, fullscreen, twenty hour battery, thirty megabites, scissors and key chain sold separately), I decided on the harmless, riskless, and secure option (switching to Greek banks!): the grilled salmon with potatoes and asparagus. After depending on my gluteus maximus muscle for about twenty minutes on an empty stomach, my food arrived.

The salmon was very good, and was not undercooked. The potatoes were very good, but there was a lack of them (why does this keep happening?). The asparagus was also very nice, and I enjoyed the dish overall, but I was still left hungry (oh look, there's Bernie). I ordered a salad with balsamic vinaigrette. The salad was mucho delicioso (not kidding! Actually translation!), to say in two words. So, I got up, and left the restaurant happy..... with the food, that is.

SERVICE: The service was very patient and very nice (whatever happened to those La Rotisserie or Steve's guys?). Why do I use "patient" instead of the misused "friendly" (so misused..... because a bunch of first-graders SOOOO want to have a "friendly" game of kickball..... and don't forget, everyone's a winner!)? Because it actually took a bit for me to decide.... and they were SO patient, that when I needed more time, I only needed thirty seconds, and they didn't come back for several minutes. Man, those guys are some lazy people. Yeah right.

ATMOSPHERE: Calm, collected, and cool..... literally. This place is the coldest restaurant I have ever been in. The air conditioning was over done like Blair Witch 2. If people transporting Otzi the Iceman are in Rhinebeck, and need a place to eat while keeping the mummy cold at the same time, they should eat here. I needed a jacket to stay in the place. And the bathroom did nothing for warmth either. It improved by ten degrees, but still, it was cold as Richard Nixon. At least the floors and bathroom was clean. That's something, right?

PRICE: Three people, fifty-five dollars, four entrees. My entree was twenty-four dollars-excluding the salad, which was six dollars. Sure, that's not a lot, but if your BMI is 25 or above, that might turn into the maple brined double-thick pork chop with tart cherry-port wine demi glace. Oh, and if you can say that in one breath, you get the star ranch natural beef braised short rib gratinee, slow cooked in a rich beef and onion broth over yukon gold mashed potatoes topped with caramelized onions and melted gruyere crostini. And it's all for around twenty five dollars!

RATING: Terrapin is a good tasting eatery with small portions and cold temperatures. And don't forget the """"nice"""" descriptions, like the hudson valley cattle company sirloin served with a choice of Terrapin's horseradish steak sauce or roquefort blue cheese butter, mashed potatoes or horse-cut shoestring fries! Come and get it! Terrapin gets a two out of five.

McKinney and Doyle

LOCATION: 10 Charles Colman Boulevard Pawling, NY 12564
TYPE OF FOOD: Bar/American (?)
REVIEW: Before I begin, let me say something. I am absolutely 100% against alcohol. I think, along with drugs, guns, war, fast food, rap music, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Twilight, global warming, PETA, arguments, the evil eye, nor'easters, hurricanes, Wal-Mart, and high-fructose corn syrup, that it is ruining America (I'm getting deja vu...). And now for the feature presentation (cell phones must remain off at all times).

Looking at the menu, I debated over what to have (and I did it better than Congress can! Finally we can have bipartisan bills..... or not). What should my stomach acids dissolve? Should I have Shellfish and Pesto (wait, hold on, where did they get their shellfish? I'm on to you, Maine.... York's Wild Animal Kingdom will not distract me!)? Or should I have the Grilled "Baseball Cut" Sirloin (did they hire Randy Johnson or something? I guess steaks are one step higher than birds...)? Eventually I decided to go Johnny Knoxville on my own dang self, and went for the Russian Roulette option: the Oriental Tuna Steak with mixed field greens and dijon vinaigrette drizzled with ginger wasabi (how many dressings do I need? Should I add low-fat creamy Ranch? Low-fat and creamy.... Eat This, Not That lied to me!). I ordered it, and about twenty minutes later, it arrived.

Now you might ask why it's so bad to order something like this, and no, it's not because I was in the same restaurant where Tony Soprano was (if I ever hear, "I've ordered something for the table," and that something happens to be onion rings.... oh boy). It's because that tuna was rare. And you are probably thinking (I hope you are thinking) it would be cold. Um, no, it wasn't cold, it was actually considerably warm. And it was very, very good. The wasabi added even more flavor, and so did the vegetables. Overall the dish was very good. Finally, I got up, walked towards the door, opened it, crossed the street to the car, got into the car, and drove off.

SERVICE: The service was, in one word, usual. They were all wearing the same thing (preps.... must.... resist.... desire.. to... ruin.... argyle sweaters.... where do they sell paintball pellets?), and seemed busy. Note "seemed". They were frequently printing out receipts and papers, standing around there.... hmm. I'm going to be watching the Amazon for a little bit....

ATMOSPHERE: The place had several quotes from famous people, like Charles de Gaulle's quote, "How can you be expected to run a country with 246 different types of cheese?" (How can you be expected to save a body of water 810 nautical miles wide from four million barrels of oil? Gosh, people are so buck-passing...) among others. The most interesting thing though, is the bathroom. The bathroom is more squished together than one would be if a sumo wrestler sat on them. And sure, the bathroom is clean, there's a sink... but for some reason they put a chair in there. A regular, old, made illegally using Amazon wood, chair. The only good use of the thing is to make the path to the sink thinner than Chicago Cubs' chance of of winning the World Series. Don't worry Cubs fans. Just wait until next century.

PRICE: Four people, fifty-five dollars. It might seem a little on the heavy side (just go down South for that), but, hey, two wines factored in adds a little. Alcohol. Ruining your body and your personal life. And if you buy in the next five minutes, we'll throw damage to your wallet absolutely free! Just pay nine dollars of shipping and handling!

RATING: McKinney and Doyle is a nice classic eatery with variety and taste. Yes, there are sort of high prices, and random chairs in bathrooms, but hey, aren't we just emerging from a recession? Or at least I think we are. I don't know. Whatever Ben Bernanke says, goes. After all, he's TIME's Person of the Year. Okay, how did he win and not Michael Jackson? Gosh, the world's unfair. McKinney and Doyle gets a five out of five.

Pepe's

LOCATION: 238 Commerce Drive Fairfield, CT
TYPE OF FOOD: Pizzeria
REVIEW: Before I begin, let me explain that this location is not the Frank Pepe Pizzeria, it's a Frank Pepe Pizzeria. The original location is in New Haven, but alas, I could not reach it and when to the Fairfield location (please don't throw stuff at your computer screen while you read this-I'm sorry! I know it's a copout... oh look, there's BP). And here I was at Pepe's.

There was a small line out the door (pizzerias and lines.... ugh), but for once the line moved fast (as a frequent customer, this as a big of a surprise as SillyBandz becoming popular.... where the heck did they come from?). I got inside in about ten minutes and sat down. Instantly I knew what I wanted: a large mushroom pizza. I ordered it along with tap water. After twenty minutes, the pizza came out on a rectangular silver tray which shined like Scott Brown's pickup truck (so shiny... must go against tradition for no reason whatsoever and vote for him... must.... must!). I took a slice and put it on my plate.

I have to stop here. I cannot describe the feeling that overwhelmed the small pink muscle in my mouth at that moment. I can and will try to contain the feeling better than the Gulf can in one word: heavenly. I kept eating. Two slices, three slices, four, I kept going and going, finally stopping after half of the thing had received a one-way ticket into my body. Finally, after the last half was into a cardboard box, I left and didn't stop until I returned to my home-state.

SERVICE: The service were always hard at work, delivering keys to heaven to tables often. They all were very, very patient, and never dropped a pizza once (if someone did... dun dun dun....). They all were always smiling (if they were smiling, I can deduce from that that they had lots of things in their mouth.... gum, crust, toothpicks, nails..... okay I creeped myself out there... I'm gonna stop now), and of course, nice and friendly. I need to find out who's their dentists....

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was covered in black-and-white photos of the founder, Frank Pepe (who was allergic to tomatoes... um..... wait, what?). It had no trash on the floor, and the booth rows (seats? Beds? You tell me!)were soft and comfortable like toilet paper (under the roll is so much better! You may have won the battle, we will win Oprah Winfrey! If she can get millions of votes for Obama, she can get millions for UNDER the roll!). You know, I'm kind of getting sick of those commercials... you hardly feel anything any way.... what's the use?

PRICE: My pizza was eighteen dollars and sixty-five cents (keep in mind this is a large, ugh, pie). That factors in that for two people, bring forty-five dollars. And I will tell you, it is worth every penny. All four thousand, five hundred of them.

RATING: Pepe's is literally the doormat to heaven. If I were on death row, I would want to have this as my last meal. Along with roasted chicken, roasted potatoes, salad, fruit salad, green tea, black tea, seltzer, whole-wheat bread, burnt toast, grilled chicken, salmon, salmon skin, turkey, egg whites, roast beef, grapes, cooked onions and garlic, burnt onions and garlic, beef stew, and burnt beef stew. I'm going to need a lot of floss. Pepe's gets a five out of five.

Di Fara's

LOCATION: 1424 Avenue J Brooklyn, NY 11230
TYPE OF FOOD: Pizzeria
REVIEW: The classic "New York style pizza" (what isn't there a "New York style" of?) is world-renown. What makes it so special? That is what I was thinking of Di Fara's, which I heard was the greatest pizza ever. Period (question mark?). So after at least a half hour drive, I found a parking spot just across the street, pulled into the spot got on the line and...

.... waited. There were only a few people in front of me, so it only passed in about ten minutes. I got inside, ordered what I wanted (a mushroom pizza-I never say pie, pie is a fruit dessert, not a savory, easy to eat dinner/lunch-they need to get it right!), and stepped outside. After about fifteen minutes, I went to use the restroom at a nearby Dunkin' Donuts. In Boston they always (ALWAYS!!) have bathrooms, when I asked to use the bathroom, they said they didn't have one-they are in BROOKLYN. I then went to a Walgreens. In Boston they never (NEVER!!) have a bathroom. And guess what? Yep, they had one (no wonder Bostonians hate New York so much....). Half an hour. Forty-five minutes. One hour. Finally the pizza came-after at least seventy minutes (not factoring in the drive-that puts it at about two hours.... dios mio!). I went to the car and ate on the back hood (sounds like a rap line- "Yo dog, I ate on the back hood! Peace!").

The pizza was very, very good. The Parmesan the person put on as he took it out of the oven added a nice cheesy (in referring to the cheese) taste to it. He also added basil, which added to the elements. The crust was very nice, as was the sauce (sadly it wasn't burnt.... darn... you can't always get what you want... ugh, that line is used too much...). So, after eating half the pizza, I threw away the trash and left ("And now I'm leaving Brooklyn, dog, and never comin' back! One, two! I'm out!").

SERVICE: There appears to be only four people-and half of them work in the back. The person at the counter seemed depressed almost and acted sort of like the aide to the evil villain in horror movies (the hunched back one that does whatever his "master" says and only says, "Yes, my master" or "Right away, my master" or "I'll get that, master"-the person does not actually say these lines, though and is not hunch-backed). The person who makes the pizzas must be at least sixty and never says anything. In fact, in between the two, there are only four lines: "Next," "What are your initials?", "(type of pizza)," and "(initials)" (they would annoy Gordon Ramsay in a heartbeat). And they are very, VERY slow (slower than Cape Cod going into the ocean, and that's two centimeters a year.... why?). In fact, they only make about five pizzas at a time. So basically you wait an hour for NOT your food! Huh, I wonder why they have a line?

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere is based around one thing: that thing is obvious (using scissors to cut basil! 100% serious!). There are a few pictures that hang near the wall; they are of the person making the pizzas making the pizzas (times two time!). Oh, did I mention that the place is 110 degrees? I couldn't stay in there for ten minutes; the other people couldn't either. And the air-conditioning unit they had above the door? Dripping with fluid. I think this place is starting to seriously annoy me....

PRICE: Twenty-eight dollars for my pizza. A pizza with one topping. ONE topping. Bertucci's cost half of that for one person. HALF (these capitalized words are scaring me....). 50%. Cincuenta. Spanish and badness? Ruh-roh.

RATING: Di Fara's is a interesting place. Food? Excellent. Atmosphere? Meh. Service? Bla. Wait? Worse than "Master of Disguise", Arizona, BP, the Currier Museum Cafe, Gilbert Godfried, the iPhone 4, the Twilight saga, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Benedict Arnold, the vuvuzela, bug bites, the flu, the Iraq War, cilantro, poison ivy, lisps, the letter "x", teen drama shows and historical fiction combined. North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe. Di Fara's gets a two out of five.

Celebrity Diner

LOCATION: 312 Jericho Turnpike Syosset, NY 11791
TYPE OF FOOD: American/Diner
REVIEW: If anything, ANYTHING on this planet can beat a "New York style deli" is would be a "New York style diner". If diner-crazy Martians landed in my backyard and asked me where to go for diners, I would send them to New York. Diners in New York are more frequent than the states "won" by Republicans in presidential elections (first Florida followed by Ohio, and while you may have Beacon Hill, we will win the Capitol one! And I don't mean the credit card company!). The only thing topping a New York diner is a shiny New York diner. And that's exactly what I got at Celebrity.

Sitting down in a booth near one of the windows, I looked through the many options available. When I mean many, I mean it (and that was just the breakfast menu). But what should I have? Should I have an easy option, like oatmeal (why not just order the bun at a burger place?)? Should I go for an unhealthy option, like a three egg omelette (why not just put raw plaque in your arteries?)? So after some deliberation, I ordered a breakfast special (why not?). I ordered the "Eleven" but my way: it ended up being a (get ready) Western egg white omelette with whole wheat toast and fruit salad with orange juice and iced tea (it's a whole buffet!). I got the iced tea first.

It was delicious, and it tasted sweetened when it actually wasn't. Next was the orange juice. It was freshly squeezed and (in one big, vague word) delicious. In fact, it was probably more tasty than the iced tea. For the third course came the fruit salad. That was very, very good also. And last but certainly not least (not at all) came the omelette. This thing covered the entire plate. The toast was perfectly toasted and even slightly burnt (I love burnt, no, scratch that, I will marry burnt). The eggs were burnt also (yay!!!!!!!!!!!) and that made it even better. Oh, and the omelette was absolutely great. That too. And with a perfect breakfast dissolving in my stomach acids (deal with me saying that), I walked through the door and started my day.

SERVICE: The service was not only great, but was (I think) a immigrant (eat it Arizona!). I heard several of the staff speaking Spanish (... can this place get any better?), so I can guess he wasn't the only one. The waiter was also very patient and (like 99.999% of the time-I beat hand sanitizer! Finally! You will chap the back of my hands no more!) nice. And I'll probably never have a conversation with him. In one word: darn. Oh well, no worth crying over five minutes.

ATMOSPHERE: It the cleanest diner-scratch that-restaurant I have ever been in. The exterior is shiner than every dentist's smile will ever be (I don't think I'm getting my free toothbrush now....), and the interior is shiny also. And as for the bathroom... wow. It's absolutely one of the greatest public bathrooms I will ever be in. Motion sensor technology, three full rolls of toilet paper (tres! TRES!), clean floors... what more do you want? The entire Boston Pops Orchestra? Good luck (unless you're a millionaire... unless you want to save money, enjoy, you beat me....)!

PRICE: Two people, twenty-five dollars. Two meals, two drinks, totally 100% worth it. In fact, there was so much food, I couldn't finish it (two meals? Si! Espanol es muy bueno!). Yep, I couldn't finish it. By the way, do you know where Joey Chestnut lives (Kobayashi's in Japan... the hot-dog contest was boring this year....)?

RATING: Celebrity Diner is, in one word, perfect. This place would impress any critic that is 100 times Simon Cowell person any day (thank God that show is done!). And to use a long used food critic cliche (ugh), the Celebrity Diner will make any person-and I mean any person-feel like a celebrity. Except without the paparazzi. Yay. Celebrity Diner gets a five out of five.

Rein's

LOCATION: 435 Hartford Turnpike Vernon, CT
TYPE OF FOOD: "Traditional New York Style Jewish Deli" (is there, like, a Maine style Catholic deli?)
REVIEW: The "New York style deli" claim is one of the oldest tricks in the book (older than the chicken and egg riddle, which scientists say they have solved.... and yet they have said nearly every food is unhealthy, tea, potatoes, what's next, carrots?). It makes one believe that because it is New York, the diner capital of the world (two within half a mile, that's closer than Dunkin' Donuts' in Boston), "style", it has to be good, right? Well, 65% of the time that's correct. On that note, let's start the actual review instead-of-wasting-your-time-with-a-few-jokes-and-making-some-random-point (oh I just did that.... dang).

With every diner on the planet, the menu is as big as Arizona's lawsuits (I don't have a passport, so that doesn't make me an American?). On the menu, there's everything from sandwiches to calves liver and onions to stewed prunes. I was stuck between two options: an egg white omelette or a roast beef sandwich. Note how I say an egg white omelette: I didn't know there were egg whites (well, in one word: darn). So I chose a (try to say it in one breath) roast beef sandwich on whole-wheat bread with lettuce and onions (I cannot be held for any frustration that may have been caused there. Ha.). After only a short bit, the food came.

The sandwich was very, very good. The meat was nice and tasty, the vegetables were there but didn't take over the sandwich. But the best part was the bread. The bread was a perfect platform for a perfect sandwich. After I finished, I ordered a fruit salad for dessert. The fruit was fresh and delicious. The selection of fruit didn't seem out of place or random (cherries, oranges, and peaches, oh my!), which made the salad even better. Even the tap water was good. So, I got up, paid, got into the car, and drove off.

SERVICE: The service was very fast and patient (done with nice and friendly! It's giving me word cancer!). They were busy and at work, and if they weren't working, they were taking orders and/or printing receipts. Which pretty much is work. Which means my last two sentences were redundant. Oh well, there's no grammar police. Or is there? There is a Dream Police (they live inside my head).

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was pretty much Manhattan themed. There's a statue of the Statue of Liberty with plastic (?) "flame" above the torch. There are also many signs related to 9/11. On my way in, I spotted two signs saying, "Remember" and "Never Forget", with pictures of firemen helmets. On the lighter side, there is also signs with humor. As you go to the bathrooms, there are two signs above the door: Queens for women, Menhattan (spelled correctly as on the sign) for men (the bathrooms by the way are fine). And anyone with a sense of humor is my friend. Unless you're Gilbert Godfried. That guy has a very annoying voice (I'm not even going to describe it, it's like nails on a chalkboard).

PRICE: Two people, twenty-five dollars. The price may look a little big, but the food is high quality and fresh. This is also factoring in two entrees and a dessert. So ditto the dessert, and you got twenty (maybe). But you definitely want dessert. Can you resist sour cream coffee cake? I don't think so!

RATING: Rein's is a delicious place for anyone craving a mean sandwich. With a great New York atmosphere, menu, and price, I can happily say that Rein's is 100% authentic New York/Jewish deli. And it's in not even in New York. Connecticut 1, New York 0. Arizona? Don't ask. Rein's gets a five out of five.

Bertucci's

LOCATION: Wellesley, MA
TYPE OF FOOD: Italian (casual)
REVIEW: Chain restaurants can be a tricky thing. It seems the fewer the places, the better (why can't horror movie makers learn from that lesson?). The fewer the places in multiple states is even better (for no reason). The fewer the places in multiple states in New England? You have a better chance of being successful than the gallons of oil in the Gulf. This I realized as I approached Bertucci's.

I sat down and knew instantly what I wanted: a pizza (so surprising, I'm at an Italian place, hmm...). I ordered a Tucci-a pizza with onions, mushrooms and peppers (I know, good ol' veggies)-on whole wheat crust. I also ordered a side of some grilled vegetables and garlic (I love garlic so much I wish to marry it... in fact.... garlic, will you marry me? I would get you the best ring for someone like you: do you like onions? I don't have any money...). After ordering my dish, I looked around for a few minutes, waiting for what I knew would eventually come. Only a couple of minutes passed before I received it-a bucket (of sorts) filled with bread rolls and a plate with olive oil, Parmesan cheese and red pepper (the hot kind...er, no the spicy kind, not the attractive-ness kind... that's disgusting).

The rolls were nice and warm, with no heat lamp in sight (no burned tongue! No burned tongue!). I ripped the bread and dipped it into the oil. My mouth was filled with absolute happiness. This continued onwards following the same pattern: rip roll, dip in oil, put in mouth, yum. Sadly, I finished my roll, and while there were other rolls, I waited for my pizza. It came a few minutes later, and I instantly folded a slice (forgive me, Boston!)and popped it into my mouth. The pizza tasted absolutely amazing, with the perfect amount of tomato sauce-per-rest of pizza ratio. The cheese was delicious, and the crust was soft and the perfect vessel. Unfortunately, the vegetables fell flat. There was not much taste, and for some vegetables, there was a lot of lemon juice. I stood up, walked to the car, and drove away, feeling like I had three limbs (I felt the same way with the Patriots in 2007.... don't remind me... Eli was down...).

SERVICE: The service person was very nice (I need to be arrested for word abuse). She was also very helpful, as she brought glasses of water when you needed it, put a slice of pizza on a plate and gave it to you, among many other things. But like most restaurants, you never had major contact with your server, spending 2% of your time with them (and now for sentence abuse). And while she was talking with other servers, it was only occasionally and she was often very busy (who comes in for dinner at 7:30 p.m.? How can you live?).

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was lively. The restaurant was originally a movie theater, and it's the perfect place to have a restaurant. The dining room is big with a high ceiling (it's taller than the amount of money BP's going to have to pay). The floors are very clean, and the noise level is pretty loud. But luckily you can hear someone across from you talking about how summer vacation is coming too fast ("It's faster than a car!", they say. Not true, it's faster than a train. Ha.).

PRICE: For five people one will need seventy dollars. This would cover entrees, a side dish, and any drinks besides water. Yes, that would make my pizza be about ten dollars for four somewhat-large slices, but it's high quality and delicious. But if you think it's still expensive.... go eat at a dollar store. And what's better than canned salsa and sugary corn?

RATING: Bertucci's is a high-quality delicious Italian eatery. It's also one of the few chain restaurants that works. But sadly the vegetables and seventy dollars brings what could be perfect to a halt. Perfection never happens. In sports, in politics or in this review. Dang. Bertucci's gets a four out of five.

Sarku

LOCATION: Natick Mall Natick, MA (tough one to guess, huh?)
TYPE OF FOOD: Asian
REVIEW: The food court is one of the few places on Earth in which you have to deal with zit faced 16 year olds (who speak fluent Lady Gagan, too). It can also be the worst place food, in terms of healthiness. McDonalds? Bad. Sbarro? Bad. Burger King? Super bad (oh, I didn't realize I was referencing something there). Luckily there remains one cuisine which managed to avoid anything related to Ray Kroc, Disney, or 4Kids (a channel that dubs anime, I don't want to go into it... the memories are so painful....): Asian. And with that, I walked up to Sarku.

There's not a terrific amount of menu items. I knew what I wanted almost instantly: the chicken teriyaki. So I walked up and ordered it, and instead of the rice that came with it, I ordered vegetables (okay really, did you expect me to order something other than the chicken teriyaki?). After a couple of minutes, I received the food in a styrofoam container along with plastic cutlery and sat down at a table.

I took one bite-and guess what?-and burned my mouth. The food was send to the back of my tongue where I swallowed it. The second bite, much less cooler, send the delicious taste into my mouth. The taste of the chicken, freshly made, was delicious with the sauce (I'm guessing it's a sauce) on it. The vegetables were freshly grilled, with plenty of flavor. Since I had a small lunch (a cup of grapes and an English muffin, sorry mom!), I ordered double meat. I ate every piece of chicken and vegetable, and it must have taken me at least fifteen minutes. But finally I finished the workout, threw my trash away, walked through Sears into the parking lot, and drove off.

SERVICE: The service was very authentic. The people there looked like they had many years of experience and were kind and wise (and yet they work in a food court). They cooked the food right in front of you and were concentrated and not dosing off. Plus they did not have food or gum in their mouths, they were not staring at you like you had a giant mole on your forehead, and did not crowd in one area. Where's the Guinness Book of World Records when you need them?

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere was nice. The floor of behind the counter was clean, there was a sink, so I assume they wash their dishes/hands there. And if your attention span is longer than three minutes, you can stay and watch your food get cooked. The grill in which they cook it on, by the way, takes up 90% of the front area. It's not distracting or anything, and you can hear your food getting cooked across the food court. And that is real cooking (looking at you fast-food giants, because everything is just "add water", "microwave this", "nuke that", whatever happened to stoves?).

PRICE: My food was $7.50. That's with double meat. Double meat only adds $1.25, so my dish would have cost $6.25, which is still cheap. 15 to 20 minutes of food for $7.50? If that isn't enough time to spend with your family while they eat from the McDonalds two stalls away, what has more time? A board game? Good luck getting your six year old from that iTouch to play Life. Just saying!

RATING: Sarku is a small stand at the Natick Mall food court with excellent food and good service. If you can successfully avoid the other diverse places (from Indian to salads), go here. Just make sure if you get double meat not to have a impatient person around. Four words: kicked out for life. Bad, bad times. Sarku gets a five out of five.

Currier Museum of Art Cafe

LOCATION: 150 Ash Street Manchester, NH 03104
TYPE OF FOOD: American/Italian (casual)
REVIEW: Museum cafes can be many different things, depending on the museum. For instance, science museums tend to be basic, simple food (usually pizza, burgers and salad because they tend to be more popular), and usually taste pretty good. History museums tend to lean toward sandwiches and salads, and can range in taste. And any other museum (news, biography, etc.) doesn't have a cafe, and if it does, is either terrible or really, really good. Art museums? Well, you'll see.

The menu at the cafe was left absolutely no choice in terms of healthiness. In fact, it left only one choice-a vegetable "panini" (whenever there are quotation marks, and the word panini is in between..... darn). So no fights. No tugging. No psychological warfare. No pranks. Just some vegetables thrown into a multi-grain bun thrown into a grill. And I thought this as I sat down, and waited five to ten minutes to receive my panini with pasta salad and a dill pickle.

My least favorite vegetable is zucchini. I hate it more than I hate Dana Carvey in "Master of Disguise" (ugh, don't remind me....). And guess what? It was in the panini. So I hated the panini. There was no flavor, no zing, absolutely nothing. The pasta salad also had zucchini, which (you guessed it) ruined it for me more than my curiosity ruining every single show I like (I look it up on Wikipedia, ruins whole episodes!). So I got up and left. No getting out of my seat, putting my tray away, that lame stuff. I left. Period.

SERVICE: As you would expect from every one of my eleven previous reviews, the service was behaved and open (is that better than nice and friendly? I abused that phrase way too much!). You didn't interact with them, as they stayed behind the counter for 95% of the time. However, they do bring your food to you, and are attentive. However, on a different order, one person ordered pasta salad and got cole slaw, and another person ordered cole slaw and got pasta salad. Muy, muy epic fail (Spanish works the other way around sometimes).

ATMOSPHERE: The place was a large, tall room which originally was an entrance. I mean, this place was huge. Larger than every sumo wrestler in all of Asia (I don't want to try, though). I saw that one table had two large crumbs on it, where I believe someone ate a scone. Otherwise the floor and tables were clean, but nothing stood out in the entire place. There were two paintings near the entrance which had different people dressed in clothes reflecting different cultures. But otherwise the atmosphere struck out. Zero for three.

PRICE: Thirty dollars for three people. Wow. So that's eight dollars for a horrible panini, awful pasta salad, and a room that should be used for anything but a cafe. Well, I mean it's three items, so I suppose that's a deal. Fine. I'll give that to them. When Oliver Stone is proven right (three shots, one book depository, one gun, end of story).

RATING: When I handed in my tray, a staff member noticed how many vegetables were on my plate. I usually eat every single vegetable on my plate. But the horrible pesto and terrible zucchini on the grilled sandwich (it's not a panini!) ruined it. And I had a horrible time, biting and chewing every bite I could, making sure my taste buds missed the horror. So yeah. I had a bad time. The Currier Museum of Art Cafe gets a one out of five.

Tango Mango

LOCATION: 1191 Centre Street Newton Centre, MA
TYPE OF FOOD: Mexican (casual)
REVIEW: One of the minor parts of an experience eating out is the drive. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. This drive was kind of depressing. And it was long (thanks Iron Man 2!). I mean, how can a church with a sign saying, "Pastor Needed", not be depressing? How about a Domino's, eight feet wide, and placed behind a gas station? Or about the larger depressing fact that I passed by at least 15 places to eat on the way to this place? Yeah, I saw all of these and more as I reached Newton Center (which has at least five more places to eat).

Being a repeat customer, I knew exactly what I wanted. In Tango Mango, you walk up to the long counter and go through a process. First you say what you want (burritos, tacos, etc.), the size you want (for burritos, 10" and 12"), and the type of burrito (white or whole-wheat, whole-wheat is a large size). Next, you say what you want on your burrito. Meat or veggies? Lettuce? Guacamole? Salsa? Beans? Sour cream? Cheese (you say that when you order your burrito)? Jalapenos? Plenty of choice, huh (that last statement was not a choice)? My final order was this: burrito on whole-wheat tortilla, chicken, both types of beans (pinto or black, what did you think there was?), lettuce, extra lettuce. The final stop on the Burrito Railroad was the counter, where I paid, walked fourteen feet to a table, and bit in.

The burrito was absolutely amazing. Period. There wasn't a single, UN SOLO, thing wrong with it (I think when you type in Spanish it's a good thing). The burrito was liked what I think a movie with Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks will be like: two really good actors under one roof. In this case the actors were the chicken and the beans. And the tortilla. And the lettuce. And the extra lettuce. Finally (and sadly), I got up, put the plastic tray it came in in the tray pile, took a takeout menu, and left.

SERVICE: The service was beyond just nice and friendly. The people making the burrito didn't really talk, which is fine (they were authentic, very authentic). The person behind the counter was one of the most friendly people I have ever met. She appears to be American, but I don't care about that. She was always smiling, never appeared to be bored, and was conversational. Case in point, she was just plain awesome. There we have it.

ATMOSPHERE: The floor was not covered in trash. In fact it was clean, except under the radiator in the room. There were two plastic forks and a bit of dust, but really no one looks under a radiator (if someone in your party does that...um....). There was also a large bulletin board where people can post things up, from plays to free guitar lessons. There was also little pieces of art here and there, which added to the whole place. Man, I have a vocab!

PRICE: Two people can be fed with fifteen dollars, including drinks. Really, it depends on what you get, entrees range from $3.25 to $8.00. Cheese, sour cream, rice, beans, and jalapenos all cost 35 cents extra. Guacamole is 75 cents. Luckily, here the burritos are very filling, so you will not go back for more. Unless you really like it. Then dive in. It's five dollars.

RATING: Tango Mango is plain, in one word, perfect. It is the best burrito I have ever had. So go. Go. It's worth it. Tango Mango consigue unos cinco de cinco (man, I love good old Espanol!).

Le Petit Robert

LOCATION: Kenmore Square Boston, MA
TYPE OF FOOD: French (I'm bringing out the big guns)
REVIEW: With the amount of different cuisines in the world today, there have to be some rating requirements in order to go. Chinese requires at least a three or four star rating, depending on the fanciness. Italian is more on the four side, usually due to the fact that it is more fancier than most other cuisines. As for French? Four or five. That's exactly what I was thinking on my drive to there (I was also trying to scrape the little French I know to the front of my head: "Allons-y", "Bon appetit!", um, and that song that's like, "Sa bla boom wha!").

I sat down, and debated with myself whether or not to order escargot, or snails ("Go for it." "NO, DON'T go for it!" "Why?" "I DON'T NEED A REASON WHY!" "Snotty brat..."). Eventually I decided not to. Why? I played a game with myself, and decided if the next person that came in was a male, I would order it. However a female came in, so I didn't order snails. My final order was the half roasted chicken they had. Before I got it, they gave me some bread. The bread was very, VERY warm, and slightly burned my mouth. But it was good (but which one wins: burned mouth, or taste buds?)luckily, so it wasn't too bad. After thirty to forty minutes, I was starving, and got my food.

The chicken tasted more like grilled chicken, and I couldn't cut it so I ate with my hands(cavemen, here I come! Er, not those Geico ones, those guys are creepy, even if they got their own show). The chicken still tasted pretty darn good, but it was quite salty. The vegetables that came with it contributed to the meal, and did a good job, but fell under the Side Vegetable Curse, and were just fine. When I finished I was full enough not to have any more entrees, but not full enough to stop eating, so I ordered a fruit salad. The fruit salad came with a variety of different fruits (there could have been cheese in there, I don't even know), and was very sweet. There was juice in the bottom, and I tasted it, which was just orange juice. After two hours, I got up, left the place, and walked onto to Kenmore Square, in front of the Citgo sign (long pause) (oh sorry, I was looking up those Geico cavemen).

SERVICE: The service (for the zillionth time) was nice and friendly (am I abusing those words?), and for one moment they were laughing. However their facial expression s read as, "Yay-I'm working as a waiter when I could be hanging out with my friend. I am SO thrilled." You don't really interact with them, but you don't spend some time with them (2%). Luckily I saw nothing in their mouths, and they were crowding in one corner. In fact, they looked almost TOO busy...

ATMOSPHERE: The floor was lightly covered in trash, and so was the tablecloth. There were candles on the table, and sometime into my experience, the staff dimmed the light. However the main thing was the heating lamps put in the front of the place. Guess why the bread was so hot? It had been sitting there, possibly for hours, under two heating lamps. In fact, one of them was broken, and the chef had to hit it in order for the thing to work! Ah, 250 degree bread sitting for a couple of hours. Now at your local French place!

PRICE: Three people can be fed with one-hundred dollars. Apparently this is cheap for a French restaurant (I don't go to a lot, clearly). On my scale, this is expensive, but I'm a casual eatery guy. So I can't say anything. I'll just shut up now.

RATING: Le Petit Robert is a French place sitting in good old Kenmore Square. The chicken is pretty good, and so is the fruit salad. But with "fresh" bread, uninspired staff, and dirty tablecloths, this place misses the mark. Le Petit Robert gets a four out of five.

Simply Crepes

LOCATION: 114 South Avenue Rochester, NY
TYPE OF FOOD: Breakfast (French/American)
REVIEW: Restaurants can be in any place, in any climate, in any building, anywhere in the world. Some restaurants are plain old solitary buildings. Some are not. Some restaurants location make a big impression on your experience. Some don't. Libraries, if they have any food whatsoever, have a Starbucks (or some other chain running out all of the family run ones, take your pick), or a dumpy, half-put together cafe. So you would probably have the same amount of surprise I had-which was "huh" leveled-when I discovered this place was in the middle of a public library. One question-who wants crepes with C.S. Lewis (think of it as the Crepe, the Library, and the Really, Really Bad Joke)?

I looked at the menu. There was nothing on the menu in which I could eat without changing it. As my drink I ordered tea. My tea came back before I ordered my food. The tea came with tea bags, as they usually do. What I didn't know is that I had plenty of variety (no more Democrat-or-Republican decisions, I'm going with the zillions of other third parties which get two votes each). They were at least six different types of tea. I took rooibos. The tea, sadly, was quite weak, although I believe that was my fault. Finally I ordered my food. I took the Specialty Fruit crepe without the whipped cream, brown sugar, and maple syrup that they had. I asked the sauces to be on the side.

After at least twenty minutes, I got my crepe. The crepe had bananas, blueberries, and strawberries. The fruit was fresh, but the crepe was slightly cold, but I think that was because of the fruit. The crepe was hard to cut (it was like cutting through silly putty-but who does that?), but when the fruit fell off my fork, I tasted the crepe itself, which was good. Shortly after I finished my meal, I noticed that I was filled to the brim. The crepe, I now realize, was quite filling. I lifted myself out of the seat, walked through the doorframe that was there (no door), walked through the library, and left.

SERVICE: The service was nice, but spend nearly all of the time behind the counter. In fact, when I was there, there were only three staff. And they were arguing. They also for the regular breakfast crepes went overboard on the eggs (at least three eggs in that artery clogger). I kind of felt bad for them because I don't really think many people come. But alas, for what I don't know, I cannot do commentary on.

ATMOSPHERE: The floor was spotless. No wrappers, no footprints, nothing. And the view into the library was quite nice, as they wasn't much noise coming from it. However the air smelled like bacon, and I noticed one persons' hair smelled like it. I can finally declare to all bacon-holics that it is now raining bacon (or at least the smell)

PRICE: My crepe cost eight dollars. It was smaller than the regular crepes, but because my crepe was fruit and so cut down, and I can't hold this against them. Most likely, three friends can eat here for twenty-five dollars (according to my "formula"). Four friends with thirty dollars? Don't push it.

RATING: Simply Crepes is a cute little place. The food is pretty decent, and the tea has plenty of options. However the food is just decent, and it smells like bacon. And if you talk too loud you lose your "rights to the library". No, just kidding. But don't say that to your elementary school librarian. Simply Crepes gets a simple four out of five.

Wok With You

LOCATION: 300 Park Point Drive Rochester, NY
TYPE OF FOOD: Asian
REVIEW: The name of a restaurant can be a large indicator of what food the place serves and/or what the food is like and/or what the service is like. If a place has a title like, "Terrific Bites!", then the service are probably something similar to some cocky jerk you had to work with for a science project in sixth grade (and he kept saying, "OH! This is SO right! Aren't I SO smart?"). If a place's name is similar to "Mexican Food", then the place serves Mexican food, and the manager is very, very, VERY lonely. But if the place's name is a Michael Jackson reference... walk through the door.

After a little bit I reached my seat. The server handed me a menu, which happened to be the menu with the lunch specials. I went down a few foods, finding nothing. Finally I found chicken with broccoli. I continued on, trying to find my favorite Chinese food, chow foon (not chow fun, fun is an adjective to describe an experience, not a food), but alas, they did not have it. So I ended up ordering the chicken with broccoli, with brown rice.

The food was so hot that it burned my mouth a little. However, once it cooled down, it was delicious. The rice matched the main entree perfectly. I ate the entire thing. It also had some other vegetables in it, and then went along with it quite smoothly. After about twenty minutes of happy eating, I got up, grabbed a magnet (which had the address, hours, etc.), and left.

SERVICE: The service was nice (as for 90% of the other places I go to). However, when I sat down and decided my order, I waited about ten minutes for the server to come over. They were quite busy, though, so I cannot hold this against them. They also seemed from time to time disappear into a room in the back, which I believe is a kitchen...

ATMOSPHERE: Asian music was playing in the dining room, loud enough so that you can hear it, but quiet enough so that you can hear the person to the left of you talk about the lazy river that is on the nearby RIT campus (Rochester Institute of Technology, yes it is a college, and yes it has a lazy river). On the floor is (quite visible) footprints and some trash on the floor. Sadly no servers seemed to notice it, and no one sadly cleaned it up.

PRICE: The price is fine. 5 people can be fed with 50 dollars, but that is two appetizers and everyone ordering entrees. Every lunch special comes with rice, except for noodles. As long as you don't have a craving for octopus, you'll stay under your budget.

RATING: Wok With You is a great restaurant. As long as you keep your eyes off the floor (and somewhat the check), you'll live. Just make sure you can get the references (after this go to Rochester and eat it, eat it, eat it). Wok With You gets a five out of five.

Staybridge Suites Breakfast Buffet

LOCATION: Rochester, NY (no exact location, although it is a hotel)
TYPE OF FOOD: Breakfast (American)
REVIEW: There are certain things that are interesting to smell in hotels. For instance, when I entered the hotel for the first time, I smelled instantly pool water. The smell of certain hotel soaps can be either a pleasant experience or an experience similar to meeting Carrot Top (do I need to say anything?). But one thing stuck in my mind as I walked towards the elevator doors on my floor. I smelled bacon-from four floors up.

The buffet was near the corner of what is called "the Great Room". There was very little options, even though I read something in my room saying, "... at the buffet you'll see somethings out of the ordinary." Well, let's see this assorted table spread: eggs, sausages, potatoes, cereal, oatmeal, fruit, bread. Even the pickiest eater will find something!

The eggs were most likely sitting for quite a bit of time. They were average, but edible. The bread was fine, but I think that was sitting, too. The fruit was old. Once again, it was still edible, but a word of advice to hotel managers: don't serve five days plus old fruit. Finally, after finishing an elderly orange, I got up, left the room(?), went to the elevator, and went it reached the fourth floor, walked to my room.

SERVICE: The only service person there was a 60's plus woman. While she was nice, she was clearly a bit crabby. In fact I went for my food when she was not around. I found an unused cup and placed it back. She then threw it away. I think she might be afraid of germs.

ATMOSPHERE: There is really nothing of note here. The floors were clean, but this is a hotel-the floors have to be clean. Other than that, the atmosphere failed to impress. Because there was absolutely nothing else. Not even music.

PRICE: The breakfast was free. That's it. No jokes. No references. Just one solitary fact that is used in every hotel, motel, and inn in the United States. That's that.

RATING: With mediocre food, one crabby service person, and no atmosphere, the only saving grace is the price. But if it cost one cent, I wouldn't even stare at it for a brief period of time (if I did, I would then say, "My eyes, my eyes!). Staybridge Suites breakfast buffet gets a two out of five.

Sofra

LOCATION: 1 Belmont Street Cambridge, MA
TYPE OF FOOD: Mediterranean (I guess)
REVIEW: Sometimes you just have to wonder how a restaurant gets its location. Some restaurants have a nice location, with no restaurants or no restaurants good enough for competition. Some restaurants have a nice area around it, which is also good. Why do I bring this up, you ask? Well, the area around Sofra is not that beautiful and I passed by three of the tourist-trap "family pizza places". Eventually I snapped out of my thoughts and entered.

The second I entered the place I saw what I wanted. A sign for "Soup of the Day" had lamb stew. There was no deliberation, no one arm punching the other arm like they are having an argument, no tug-of-war between two fictional characters in my mind. Just me saying, "I would like the lamb stew, please." For my drink I had mint tea.

The tea tasted like minty milk. It had the same exact quality of milk. After struggling through the first few sips, and ten-twenty minutes, I received the food. The stew came with sesame crackers. The stew was fine. Just fine. In the middle. It wasn't good, yet wasn't horrible. In fact, the crackers were better than the stew. I didn't even finish my stew. I put my dishes away (still effected by the "tea"), took a catering menu (the closest they had to a takeout menu, oh well, better than Steve's), and exited.

SERVICE: This is one of the places in which only 1% of your time is spend with the service. The service is nice and friendly, but that's just the counter service. The food service are the people who call out your order. And they do it by number, like at a 95% put together grocery store deli. And they have accents. Thick accents. My number sounded like three, when it wasn't three. In fact, I hardly differed it from the other numbers.

ATMOSPHERE: At first glance the place would look comfortable. Well, it isn't. Odds are, you will have to sit on one of the IKEA stools that they have. The stools are not comfortable. And you will have to sit close to the trash-can like tables that they have in order to prevent food from falling on your lap. Which means you will be cramped close. Quite close.

PRICE: Cheap. Very, very, very cheap. My stew was only 6 dollars. In fact, you could probably feed you and another person on twenty dollars. Maybe even you and two other people. Three other people? Um... twenty seven dollars. Probably.

RATING: People told me good things about Sofra. Very good things. For me, my experience was not good. However for twenty dollars, you could feed your friends. But as pessimists say all the time, the negatives always win. Then why would they be pessimists? Sofra gets a three out of five.

Paparazzi

LOCATION: Wellesley, MA (no exact location, sorry guys)
TYPE OF FOOD: Italian (casual-pizza, pasta type place)
REVIEW: After watching at least 250 people run about seven feet in front of me in what is called the Boston Marathon, I got hungry. So what did I do? I walked probably half a mile to Wellesley, a nice little town next to the highway. Once again, I had to note the somewhat unfortunate location of the place, as a popular Chinese restaurant-C.K. Shanghai-was right across the street (it was closed, though). I also noticed another one of the zillions of "family pizza places" across the street, too.

I sat down and was given a dinner menu-at noon on a Monday. I instead chose from something on the lunch menu, a Vegetariano (I believe that's how it's spelled) panini-grilled eggplant, basil and tomato- which came with a salad. I asked for a drink, which was iced tea. I noticed the waiter going over to some mysterious container, pressed the top thing (you know, the thing that you press down to get the drink), and the tea flowed out. After quite a bit of time I received-free of charge-a piece of focaccia. The focaccia was freshly baked, covered in herbs. It was absolutely delicious. I took the spicy oil that was on my table, poured (with some force) the oil, and ate it. It made it even more delicious.

Finally I received my food. I was distracted at the time by a grilled cheese sandwich (on focaccia-how the heck did they do that?), so when I noticed the food, I pulled back. The panini was absolutely amazing, and I used my good old friend Mr. Spicy Oil to dip my sandwich into it. The salad was amazing, too, but simple-probably the simplest salad I ever had. It was lettuce with a lemon vinaigrette. But still, it was amazing. I savored every atom of each bite. Finally, I got up, pondered the possibility of the magic grilled cheese sandwich (is David Copperfield the chef?), and left.

SERVICE: The service was nice, friendly, patient, and attentive. The service was either slow on the focaccia or it wasn't baked yet-I want to say the latter. Nothing was in their mouths, and they were not crowding around in one area. In fact, they were all doing something and not just standing there. However, as I left, I saw through the windows two employees standing and watching the Marathon go by. But I cannot at all hold that against them.

ATMOSPHERE: The atmosphere is vibrant and very much alive. You can see photos of different people, some of which are celebrities (Whoopi Goldberg is near the bathrooms). The floors are nice, clean, and tidy. The bathrooms are in terrific condition. The air in there has a slight hint of soap, and the floor in there is also very good. In fact, I can say that it was one of the best public restrooms I have ever been in.

PRICE: My meal cost $9.50. The tea cost (I believe) $2.50. In fact, they increased the price of the panini by one dollar, from $8.50 to $9.50. However, it still is worth every penny. I cannot give you any other prices, as they did not have a take-out menu (but what restaurant like that has one?).

RATING: The restaurant is a gotta see place, if you like Italian and don't like Chinese (or mediocre "family pizza"). The kids will like it, the parents will like it, Nanna will like it, every one will. And maybe you too will fall under the spell of the magic grilled cheese sandwich (how is it possible? It didn't have any grill marks! It's magic, I say, MAGIC!). Paparazzi (in Wellesley) get a five out of five.

Steve's

LOCATION: 316 Newbury Street Boston, MA
TYPE OF FOOD: Greek/American
REVIEW: After visiting the Boston Marathon expo (man, did I get free stuff!), and walking around Boston, I decided to stop at Steve's, close to the finish of the marathon. As I walked in, I noticed the size of the place, which is pretty small (do all of the places I go to have to have size restraints?). I was noticed by one of the staff, who led me to a table, and gave me a menu.

After examining the enormous menu (from steak sandwiches to octopus), I finally decided on an item-chicken kabob, which came with Greek salad-and asked for tap water. After a few minutes, the server came back and asked if I wanted bread. I replied yes, and they came back a few minutes later with bread and butter. I bit into the plain unbuttered bread (I don't like butter) and liked it. I then did something that kind of confused me-I rolled the bread up into a log and ate it like that. I ended up hurting my jaw.

After a bit, eventually I got my food. I was disappointed. It was not a kabob, period. It looked like a stir-fry, and served on the same plate as the salad. The salad had dressing on it, which I thought would be a vinaigrette. The "kabob" was good, the onions were nice as were the peppers that came with it. The dressing seeped quickly to the bottom and took over the bottom of the salad. About 40% of the salad was drenched in it (and I don't really like dressing). Finally I got up, grabbed a "take out menu" (which is a photo-copied piece of paper badly folded), and left.

SERVICE: The service is very nice and friendly. They are very attentive, and are not rude and do not have anything in their mouths. They seem to crowd in the front of the place, near the cash-register, and stare at the people who happen to be there. It's not weird or anything, but I kind of wish they could just work behind the counter or do something else.

ATMOSPHERE: There are two parts in the restaurant. One part is up front, where I can assume that people come in to take-out, and the other is the main part. The floor is covered in quite a few straw covers, which lie on the floor, not even glanced at by the staff. The floor is slightly dirty, but not dirty enough not to come.

PRICE: My meal cost $11.95. All of the appetizers cost $3.95 to $10.95, so you should avoid overdoing those. The seafood costs $12.95 to $15.50, so once again, be careful if you want Greek pizza (eww, eww, eww) and fried scallops.

RATING: The food is pretty fine, and there's nothing that is Greek that isn't served here. But the Olympic pool-sized dressing amounts will leave your salad filthy stinkin' wet. And the prices are a bit high. And the floors aren't the greatest. But let's put emphasis on the salad. Steve's gets a four out of five.

La Rotisserie

LOCATION: 17 Boylston Street Chestnut Hill, MA
TYPE OF FOOD: "Authentic French Style Roasting" (according to the take-out menu)
REVIEW: As I drove towards La Rotisserie, I had to point out the unfortunate location in where the place was. I passed by three other places (one of which was a Legal Seafood's), each with different cuisines-all within about three miles. This place was in a strip mall, with a movie theater, a kid's hair cut place, a Star Market, and a bakery. But finally I got through the door marked with different names of meats.

There was a line when I got in there. And this place is narrow. Very, very narrow. Three average size people would barely stand right behind one another right-to-left in this place. When I finally got to a person behind the counter, I stated my order-a half chicken plate-and the two sides that came with it-roasted potatoes and steamed vegetables-. The person put it on a plastic plate divided into three parts. I asked for tap water, and sat down.

The potatoes were first. I had a few potatoes, noticing that they had onions with them. I then went for the chicken. The chicken clearly was roasted and plenty juicy. I'm not sure if they put seasoning on it, but if they did, it was a good addition. I ate the chicken quickly as if someone was about to steal it. I then went for the vegetables. They really were nothing special. No seasoning, no oil, nothing. I went back for the potatoes, finished them, threw the trash away, and walked out the meat-named door.

SERVICE: The major problem of the place. I saw a person behind the counter clearly roll his eyes at an order. As I was eating, I saw a worker with something in his mouth. I realized that that something was gum. He was chewing gum. I was shocked. Do I need to say anything else? If Gordon Ramsey was there, do you think he would have gotten an earful? As a word of advice, make sure to check your mashed potatoes.

ATMOSPHERE: Nothing of note. It was clean, I guess. But nothing, absolutely nothing, to note. Besides bathrooms. No bathrooms. And a mysterious section of the place towards the back. 65% of the back is taken up by some room, blocked from floor to about three feet from the ceiling....

PRICE: My meal was $9.95. It's a good amount of food, for that price. A one side meal is between $6.50 and $8.25, depending on the main meat (or if you get the vegetarian plate).

RATING: The food is not to miss. If you don't like seafood, Chinese, burgers, cookies, or pommes frites, go here. But try to limit your time with the service. Because they might roll your eyes at you. Or gum could fall in your mashed potatoes. Just saying. La Rotisserie gets a four out of five.

King's Famous Roast Beef & Seafood

LOCATION: 145 North Street Salem, MA 01970
TYPE OF FOOD: Sandwiches/Seafood
REVIEW: The first time you enter King's, you might not be so excited as I was. In the entire place there is only three tables, a large counter, and one of the biggest menu boards I have ever seen. But for me, it was amazing.

It was only my fourth time there, but I was excited. Because it is April, tourists are not pouring into Salem as they do in October. In fact there were very few people there considering the time (12:45). I walked up and ordered my sandwich-a Super Beef (on onion roll) with lettuce and onion-and asked for tap water also. Probably 5 minutes passed before I got it, and sat down.

As I turned back the foil surrounding the sandwich, I knew I was into something good. The sandwich was overflowing with meat and veggies. Biting into it was absolutely heavenly. The meat was fresh, warm, and the vegetables added to the carnival of flavor. I ate it slowly, savoring every last crumb. Finally it was finished, and I got up, threw away the trash, walked to the door, grabbed a take-out menu, and left.

SERVICE: The service was nice, and did not take much time taking my order. He simply turned around and shouted "Super with lettuce and onion". After literally five minutes (whew, they're fast!), he gave me the sandwich on a paper plate.

ATMOSPHERE: Like I said before, the atmosphere is not a five star French restaurant. There are no rugs, no elaborate tablecloths, and no napkins on the lap. It's not messy, just not 100% clean. It's fine, but not mind-blowing. And it's a takeout place. You take your sandwich and leave.

PRICE: How's 5.50 sound for a sandwich overflowing with meat and vegetables? How about 8.99 for that sandwich, plus fries, onion rings and salad? Yeah, I think it's the right amount of food, for the right price.

RATING: King's is a place that you would most likely miss driving by on your way to see animatronic witches. But if you are able to catch this place on your way into the Witch City, you'll be left with a belly full of meat and a vow to come back. King's Famous Roast Beef & Seafood gets a five out of five.